You are here:

BDSM/getting off on a switch

Advertisement


Question
My husband, who introduced me to BDSM has been Master for the first few years of our relationship but has recently wanted to switch roles and live as my submissive. We have had a few attempts at this new lifestyle and we are getting better at it every time, we are slowly but surely finding our way and enjoying our new roles. The thing i am struggling with is that my sub doesn't seem to get off anymore. i know he loves what we are doing but i am missing seeing him get off the way he used to. if he watches porn its always the being in control and playing with a slave that does it for him and yet he craves living as my sub. i feel that he uses porn to fulfill what he desires most and what he knows will get him off and i know i could never be a slave that can satisfy this need as the internet offers him so much more than i can. The variety that the internet offers has caused him to push boundaries in our life style that i really believe i haven't matured enough to accept. this causes problems because of my denial and refusal to follow or act on an order. He really doesn't seem to realize my growth is not at this level yet and therefore i lack the understanding of what is being asked of me or inflicted onto me. then there is his inner sub that  craves my attention, my authority and the discipline and the teaching that i as his Dom will provide.  I hate the fact that he no longer gets of on me like he used to but cums to BDSM porn, it has made me feel like crap and has really made me insecure in the lifestyle and i feel i mustn't be very good at either role. He has explained that he just isn't used to getting off this way but he loves it and knows in time he will adjust. I feel he is delaying it by feeding what is getting him of and he should stop confusing himself by watching the porn that he loves. Is it a common problem from both prospective. I am confused and have no idea why this is happening and where to begin in getting it all back on track.
Thanks

Answer
Hi Susan - sorry for the delay I've been travelling and need to adjust to 6-hours of jet lag.

I think I see two questions: (1) he has discovered he has a submissive side and (2) he gets off on porn and not on you.

A question for you though, are YOU comfortable with making the change from submissive to dominant?  I know couples who have done this; but it was wife to dom and husband to submissive; a bit different than exchanging power roles in a kinky relationship.  If you are working through the transformation (and it is a significant transformation) he may be "picking up" on your inner struggles. Expecting you to take on the dom role quickly is really asking a lot of you. If you are doing it to please him but your heart is really not in it you are to be commended for being a wonderful submissive; unfortunately wanting to please is not a highly valued attribute of a dom. To be an "authentic"  dom,  you need more than a bit of,  well,  arrogance.  Dom's are Dom's because we want it our way. Dom's take, sub's give.  All in a good way, a way that has been negotiated.

Early in our relationship my slave said,  "I will follow,  but only if you will lead."  I think perhaps your master is now saying, "You lead."  Correct? BDSM relationship work because we talk about and negotiate wants, needs, and desires; especially when it comes to power and the limits of authority.

Please tell me a bit more about how you feel so I don't proceed on incorrect assumptions.

OK,  second question.  If you see what is getting him off you see where his fantasy is.  If he is letting you know what he is watching this could be a non-threatening way, a non-verbal way,  of him letting you know what he is finding exciting.  It's not about you,  it's about him.

I believe your concern is valid as he can condition himself to the point of this is now he gets off. And that can be very hard conditioning to break once in place.

Re you feeling like crap.  Your relationship is changing. You want what was, and perhaps feel resentment that it has been taken away and somehow that you contributed to the change by not being "enough" (leaving "enough" undefined). Common feelings of a good submissive! BUT - It's not about you,  it's about him.  He's taken an off ramp on the highway of life and expects you to drive cross country to catch up with him. A feeling perhaps of "Hey - wait, aren't you the guy I accepted as my master? Where the hell did HE go? And wherever he went send him back!"

How to get back on track? You both need to sit down as adults and talk about what is happening to your relationship. This isn't going to get better, it will only get worse the longer the delay.  Talk as real people,  set dom/sub aside,  talk like equals.  Practice good communication skills,  listen without accusing,  both talk from the heart. Your relationship, even your marriage, depends on open, honest, loving, discussion.

Time changes us all, you, him.  None of us ever remain static, unchanged. A relationship is blessed when those involved change together; and others are blessed when change is accepted and accommodated by both so that the relationship becomes stronger.

Something to keep in mind; you have needs also. As a good submissive you have found ways in the past of accommodating your needs to his needs. You accommodated, you were happy in doing so. However you cannot accommodate past some point where he is asking, no demanding, you become someone, some thing that you are not. Someplace along the line you also have hard limits; and you have not only a right but a duty to yourself to respect your hard limits. If the direction of your relationship is going to a place where your happiness, your satisfaction, your emotional well being is being challenged, then YOU have a obligation to yourself to call a time out.

Please feel free to reply,  and I really wish you both sincere good luck.

Regards
Brian

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.