QUESTION: I am currently 30 and over the coarse of my adult life I have had conflicting thoughts that completely over power my being. I overflow with many urges. I am filled with numerous fantasies that sweep through me almost like being possessed.
1) I have an ongoing sexual craving to perform oral sex and receive anal sex from a man with no same favor return yet I have no feelings or romantic desire or affections such as a relationship would require. I attempted to experiment to figure it all out a few years ago, how ever the feeling of dread became heavier the closer I got on my drive to the man's house. when I arrived I was officially petrified to the point I was frozen like a deer in head lights and was unable to perform. however I felt even worse that I orchestrated this and felt a deep empathy for this man and the more I tried to explain why I couldn't do it the more I felt like an ass. I still consistently fantasize about this topic. I have experimented when alone by inserting objects in my ass and thoroughly enjoyed the experiences.
2) cuckolding. I in recent years stumbled across videos of this on the internet and all aspects of this fetish has basically taken me over. I have attempted to initiate this with my ex girlfriend about 3 years ago and she was reluctant about it but said she would think about it. I was obsessed with her trying sex with a man whom I knew had a much larger penis than me. then I encouraged them to talk, they did. when I was approached by the man first via phone call asking me to drop her off after I picked her up from work I think reality sank in where all the concerns and worries of potential negative outcomes raced through my mind. when I confirmed it with her, I discussed that our previous discussion was about if one of us were uncomfortable that we would stop or atleast put it on hold until the other was comfortable and reassured. she took my worry and concern and pitched a fit instead of being understanding she actually demanded that I drop her off at his house. it eventually turned into a fight and I simply drover her to our home. eventually she learned to be sneaky and do it behind my back and lie to my face and the relationship ended not too many months after because I caught on and she didn't like being caught and dealing with my reaction.
I since then have studied more into the cuckold fetish and realized most of the videos are actually staged with all members being porn starts and not real couples. home made videos tend to be the real deal. I would use the online directory to study more and more about it including reading the erotic stories and anything new I noticed I looked up and studied the meanings and acts. now I have a strong sense of it and I find it extremely arousing. I get incredibly turned on by the thought of a girlfriend making small dick comments (I'm basically average 6-7") locking me in chastity for extremely long periods of time while sleeping with black men with freakishly large dicks. involved in this ongoing fantasy would be responses to my requests for sexual gratitude after months of no release from chastity... being subjected to strap-on sex as a replacement for what sex was and being firmly informed that my dick will never be used again and will be treated as if it wasn't there and only sexual contact I will get in being fucked in the ass either by her strap-on or her bull as a reward for being good and regardless of either I would always have to eat her lover's cream pie.
sorry if I dragged on a bit with detail. but I just don't understand what I have been doing wrong. I have the strong almost uncontrollable urges yet when I try to experiment with them I instantly get terrified and freeze and find myself unable to give in to my deepest darkest desires.
I don't know if it all surrounds the incident when I had been raped and tortured by my mother's boyfriend when I was only 4 years of age. if that is the case then it also make very little sense because until recently in the last year, I only had knowledge it happened and never remembered anything about it.
I did have a nightmare in the last year though which I soon found out was a flash back of the moments just before the attack, I woke up just seconds before the pounce.
is this just normal timid behavior trying something so new? is that why I have trouble trying these new things? would my desires be classified as borderline homosexual or bi-sexual or bi-curios or any other terms? I have spent most of my adult life trying to figure all this out and always come back to the same issues and with that the same questions. any words of wisdom that might help me solve my dilemma? maybe an outside perspective with someone with knowledge in these types of fetishes might have the right input I need to figure this all out
Ok I will touch on your whole msg, although I am going to start from the bottom and work my way up..
I would suggest you find someone to talk to about the rape you experienced many yrs ago, and see if you can work through those feelings.. You can do this by either a Dr you can find or you can try to find a Kink Friendly Dr in your area at the address below.
Ok now with that being said, your fantasy's you are experiencing, although unable to actually fill are not out of the norm, and you will be able to find someone whom can help you fill them, and they will not cheat on you or go behind your back. I almost want to say I can see you in a poly relationship with the other male being the one who is able to have sex with the female in the relationship.
If you have not already found the site I would suggest you visit fetlife.com *It is a free site* Although it will help you find others who are thinking about the same thing as you. You will also be able to find both a male and female who are looking for a submissive/slave like you have talked about. You will find friends close to you who can maybe point you in the right direction to the events or key holders for the chastity devices. These men and women will not charge you much or anything, they just enjoy the idea of having that much control over someone.
Although as I said, I really think you need to find a Therapists whom you can talk about the rape with and she or he can help you understand if it is linked to the desires you are having or if you are simply kinky and want to express your sexuailty like so many others do and enjoy.
I hope you are able to find those in your area to become friends with, and learn more about what it is you wish to do, and hopefully after you have seeked help for the rape will understand what it comes from.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: would you be able to explain a little further on poly relationships?
I have been on a few sites, one actually worked much to my surprise. nothing in person yet but a mistress has become interested in a relationship. it is a new experience to get used to, to say the least. asking permission for everything I do. it is a comfort to know that there will be days where it will be spent as a normal couple. it is rather confusing because all my dating life I found women to not like that much intensity when it comes to how much attention they receive so I often worry if I'm saying too much. I also worry if attempting certain things I fantasize about that I will freeze up and find myself unable to perform certain tasks if ordered to.
as for therapy, I did have a trusted counselor whom was my counselor in my school years, she left the school and began working for a firm. this had helped. I did open up about my inner issues however was too self conscious about talking about my fantasies with her. I have told a few select people however I seem to be more comfortable talking to a female about what runs through my head. even my most trusted friend that I know would never judge me (whom is male) I am unable to tell. I seem to have trouble speaking with males and professionals. I guess it might be a mental block when it comes to my life and deepest secrets being placed on a piece of paper or potentially cause a close friend whom is like a brother to me to accidentally let things slip.
I don't know if any of this is considered common. I guess I spend my time gathering collected knowledge from where ever I can from people who don't have contact with people around where I live to self diagnose my problems.
most have told me that I think way too much and spend too much time over analyzing situations. when in a relationship I suppose I get separation anxiety and always worry about the woman's comfort level and when it comes to making plans of making sexual advances I always ask permission to avoid a scenario of making the wrong move and upsetting or offending them, nothing attached to domm/slave but in general relationships.
thank you for taking the time to assist me in talking to me about these matters. I appreciate it
Poly has so many meanings to different people that I could not just tell you what I see as it, cause someone else you know might see it as something else.. So I am offering you a few sites where you can decide what it will be to you and yours.
I am sorry for the delay it is the holiday and I had a family emergency..
Again I would suggest you sign up for fetlife where you are able to find others who will be willing to help you in more than one way. You need to learn you can talk to others both as a friend or as a Dom. As for talking to females compared to males I think once you find you are not going to be judged you will be able to open up to someone who is willing to listen.. As for your past experience with your sexulity you need to let it go, and as I said you can find someone in the community who will be able to help you there.
Good Luck and wishing you a wonderful New Yr.