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BDSM/How Do i know this Alpha Man's true nature?

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Question
Ben, I am female have a curious and confusing relationship with a man with whom I have strong sexual interest & curiosity. I'd say that's mutual but he's often responded to me with anger or frustration (not mean or insulting). When I first had meeting w/ him I was expecting that we would have a professional relationship (we work in the same industry) From 1st meet there was very strong physical attraction and he seemed to "tap" into and provoke some unrealized part of my sexual nature. We've never had actual sex, but his fooling around style has been an aggressive "take no prisoners" style - which I liked and wanted more of. But the stronger that connection, the faster he fled, stating that "he doesn't date. doesn't attach" (odd because I was not pushing for that). Physically, I spark him, with a confident sultry look and physical body type most consider "biologically ideal". Usually, I successfully play the seductress but I can't get a handle on this man's sexual nature or emotional scars or ___? He's in late 40's and I'm about 10 years younger.  Days into knowing him, and more than once he's suggested that I need to be spanked and "fucked hard" and given me specific instructions about the how and when. I can't tell if (1) he's into the "lifestyle" and I've been clueless, (2) trying to get out of it, but I bring something out, or (3) he just hates me (any emotional intimacy raises his anger).  I tried lamely to disconnect (and did cancel those sex plans twice) from him several times because I felt uneasy that there might be something there I am not ready for. Now, we are disconnected - he wont speak to me.  His last words were that "he only wanted my friendship" and not a "strange relationship".  Does that term have significance?  I just don't know how to decipher him - does someone send signals that I missed? I am clueless....

Answer
I understand the desire to decipher him and what it all means. But there is t a hidden code that once you unlock love and happiness reigns. Bottom line is he's chosen to hide whatever is there.

So let's look at what you do know: he doesn't want a relationship or intimacy: he gets angry (not violent, but you don't know); and he doesn't fully respect boundaries (ok, so you might have liked the "spank and duck hard comment" but one of the keys to this Lifestyle is negotiation and consent - it's what keeps it from being abuse)

Some people are drawn to relationships where they fix the broken bird (it was the subtext of 50 shades). My advice: if you want a BDSM relationship, then intentionally look for that. Take time to explore what your needs and interests are. Venture out in the local community. Learn. And look. But I'd put this relationship with the emotionally closed person behind you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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