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BDSM/Beginner long distance BDSM

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Question
Hello me and my partner currently have a long distance relationship as he is in the military. The relationship hasn't always been long distance. He is very dominate and I am very submissive. We have great communication and trust. We are very open with each other, and very sexual. Due to me being so open with him I have been doing some sexual exploring. This is how I became interested in BDSM. I have done tons of online reading. I think it suites us perfectly. I have shared information with him, and we have talked a lot about it. The problem is he isn't really able to do too much research on his own due to his job he isn't really able to have as much time as I do surfing the web. He understands the mindset and basics of the BDSM relationship. I was wondering if you know any good sites I could go to that would help him understand more of his "job description" so to speak. As far as what activities he should be giving me, and things like that I guess. It's new to both of us. I am just having a hard time getting all the information to him.  Also do you have any tips on long distance BDSM relationships. One thing in particular I havnt given him much info on yet is punishment and rewards. I can't seem to find good info on that I understand it but being long distance I don't know much that he could do for punishment. I don't I guess any info on newly long distance BDSM relationships would be helpful thanks :-)

Answer
Elizabeth -

Maintaining a dynamic long- distance is difficult. Starting out that way is that much harder. I don't know how long he's deployed. but if he's back relatively soon, you might want to consider using this time as discussion/research/exploration - and wait till he returns to actually begin a power-based relationship.

But I also understand the eagerness - so I'll try and give you some suggestions.

Whether you wait or start now, I strongly encourage you to begin the process by discussing what you each need and want. Problems can occur when the two people have different visions - and never talk about it. Here are a few things to think and talk about:

Are you looking for kinky alex and bedroom play or a relationship dynamic based on transfer of control?

If you plan on kinky sex - whether as the only BDSM aspect of your relationship or a part of it - what things excite you and what things do you never want to do (you can find checklists online)?

If you want to transfer control, what does that mean? Is it limited by time, space or aspects of your life?

What's his leadership/manafement style (I'm not a supporter of punishment - I want a partner motivated to please and I don't see punishment as a successful behavior modification tool - but others do)?

What are your communication styles/needs?

I don't know if he can access FetLife, but it's a useful resource (sort of. Kinky Facebook)   There are also books on activities (S&M 101 is one) and relationships (look at "real service" by Racen Kaldera and Master/slave Manual by Ronert Rubel).

I'm not nature where in Maryland you are, but there are active communities - with classes, workshops, social events and play parties in both Baltimore and DC

Enjoy,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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