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I am so lost and confused and need someone to talk to.  I have been married to a wonderful man for twenty years.  A few years ago I realized that I needed my husband to be more dominant and that I have this deep need to be submissive.  It was difficult for me to discuss with him, but after many long discussions we both realized that we were both very into the idea.  We both did research, read books, and had a great time learning! For about a year I felt closer to my husband than I ever had.  (Side note…being submissive gives me permission to feel and be as sexual  as I want to be, but have trouble expressing unless I am being told how much and what he wants).
Now onto my issue:  With the research my husband was doing he spent a lot of time on blogs and websites which I was fine with because it benefited both of us.   Months ago something changed.  We were growing apart; sex was good but not to the intensity or regularity as before…and when we did “play” it was awkward.   So one evening I looked on his Facebook account and found that he was chatting and sending picks to various women.  I confronted him about it.  I am not so upset about what he was doing, but more upset that our D’s relationship had all but stopped but he was continuing with people online.  After many weeks of talking he finally said to me that he has issues “doing those things” with his wife, but it comes very easily to him talking to someone else.  
A few days ago he was very amorous which was great until I looked further into his computer later and found so many porn sites, chats, bdsm and fetish sites he visits regularly.  What should I do?  I am devastated.  I feel sick.  I started this.  We both obviously want this. I feel like I opened Pandora ’s Box.  I can’t stop thinking that every day when I leave for work what he is doing.  It is driving me crazy.  We were so close and now I feel like I am losing my husband altogether.  Any advice would be appreciated!
J

Answer
J -

I feel for you and your situation.

Let's try and sort through the situation and see what options you have.

Here's what we know:

1.  you love your husband
2.  you both like BDSM
3.  he has trouble doing BDSM things with you
4.  he likes porn and chatting with others about kinky stuff

Here's what's less clear:

1.  does he still love you?
2.  has he only chatted with these other women?
3.  does he want to "fix" the situation?

It isn't uncommon for people to have issues with kink:  it's taboo and society tells us that it's wrong.  For some people that simply means they won't pursue it, or they feel guilty afterwards (I shouldn't treat the person I love like that).  By discussing what his concerns are - and reassuring him that it is consensual and you want it -- you might be able to overcome his guilt.

Let's next turn to the issue of porn.  There is nothing inherently problematic with it.  Some people find it erotic or arousing.  In fact, you could potentially use it as a stimulant before the two of you go to bed (or otherwise get kinky).  But you seem to have an issue with it.  The question is whether it is your version of his isue (you don't want to watch others doing it, it doesn't want to see you doing it), or is it that you think it is emotional adultery?  

That brings up the next issue:  has he been just talking with other women, or actually meeting with them and doing things?  I don't know.  you may not either.

Bottom line:  you two have a number of difficult issues to work through.  It is very possible that you can.  But you need to either be able to lovingly and openly talk through them, or you need to find outside help.  The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a websidte where you can look for kink-friendly therapists.  I encourage you to explore the possibility.

Good luck,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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