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Question
I have recently entered into my very first D/s relationship.  He is poly, I am not. I answered his personal ad looking for a sub and things went from there. We have been in contact for about a month an a half. Our first meeting was supposed to just be an introduction, to see if i was really infact willing to go through with a scene, but we both got a little carried away.  From the moment I was in His presence i could feel a connection. We have played one other time since then, almost two weeks ago, and it was the most amazing four hours of my life. The scene itself was great, which we talked about my limits before hand and what i was willing to try. But the aftercare was what really took my breath away. We don't live near eachother, so weeknight visits aren't possible with his work schedule. We were texting a lot everynight, up until recently.  He was giving me tasks to perform, and I would send him pics for proof. we've done the masturbating by command thing as well as orgasm control.  But lately he's been texting less.  I don't want to be bratty, or come across as needy, so I'm supportive to him.  I try to encourage him, as he has recently started a new demanding job that is taking everything out of him. But I'm starting to get the feeling that the distance is taking it's toll. I don't want to push him farther away.  So, what's a good girl to do?

Answer
danielle --

The first thing a good girl is to do is determine what you need -- for yourself -- to be happy.  you like him; your time together is great; you also have "New Relationship Energy".  On the other hand:  he's poly and you're not; long-distance is difficult; and schedules don't exactly match.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that, if he lived in the same town and wanted monogamy, then he could be "the one."  There's also nothing wrong with deciding that it isn't ideal, but the benefits outweigh the negatives, and you're just going to see where things lead.

If you decide to go forward, then the healthy approach - for each of you - is to do it with a genuine acceptance that there will be times of limited contact and limited interaction.  Whether it's work, distance, or another girl, there will be times when you won't be with him or perhaps even here from him.  you need to be ok with that or you'll grow bitter and resentful.

The other part of the equation is: what does he want?  It would be good for you to know if he's happy with seeing each other every weekend or so and texting/talking when schedules permit.  Being on the same page - in terms of desires and expectations - is critical.

It's hard finding something that is great - but not as great as you'd like.  I hope you find a path forward that works.

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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