I'd like to start first with a little introduction and explanation. I go by the name Lu and I'm a submissive, 21 years old transgender female. I had my first relationship on the beginning of my hormonal therapy, kind of calling-out-for-help when I was fifteen years old, I got together with a girl, Lucy, for half a year before we broke up. Since we broke up, I began to explore myself and what I really want in my life and after a short period of time, I was offered to be trained by the local BDSM community. Fifteen years old is a legal age in my country and after a two years of almost daily training, my Trainer and Mentor told me I was ready.
I was looking for a Master, male if possible. I stayed in touch with Lucy and I invited her to my initiation with the permission of the community. At that moment, I fell in love with her again and even though I was certain what I wanted in my life, we began to have a relationship. She was really interested in the community and general lifestyle and I was helping her understand what's what in private. She is a switch, and after four months of our relationship, I wasn't able to keep going as D in our relationship and spoke to her many, many, many times about myself, herself and our relationship. I simply couldn't keep going on in a role I'm simply not fit for. However, we decided to stay together and now we are together for almost 4 years but still we struggle monthly about compromises.
Neither of us wants to end the relationship but the lack of expression of myself as a submissive is tearing me apart long-term. Over the years, I developed bipolar disorder, I'm attending therapies but with no success. I was trying to consult psychiatrist and sexuologist about options that we have, but everyone I spoke to came to conclusion we have to break up, no matter how strong bond we formed.
I tried talking Lucy into having a playtime alteast monthly, but she always expects me to prepare a playtime for her as soon as possible, when I would be D and I simply am not capable of doing so any longer.
I also tried finding a Master outside of our relationship, but I was never able to because I have too strong feeling of loyalty towards Lucy and it is not easy for me to trust.
What I wish to ask is, if there is any other way, hope, possibility how to keep going, because at the moment I'm only depressed by how my limits and abilities as submissive degraded over time and I feel very ashamed of myself that I can't even look into a mirror.
Well I understand the loyalty issue, it is a good thing as well a bad one at times.
Now you can have a Dom and not have sex with them, you can serve and play and gain what you need as a sub in the D/s aspects and thus not braking the loyalty with Lucy.
She needs to understand that you have needs, and part of her goal should not to be all about her but to help you meet your needs as well. This is a two way street.
If your the Dom, well buck up and stop giving her all she needs and wants if she is not going to put the effort into what you need. The Dom needs to be strong and take some control of things as well. This sounds like it is a sexual play time and I live more of it everyday not just in the bedroom, and our playtime is not sex related for the most part.
You need to find a way to talk with her and have her understand what and how to get you what you wish to have as well. Please hang in there and keep trying to build your life together.
I wish you well if there is anything else I can do to help you please let me know.