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Question
i need advise on, about 2 months ago just found out that the girl that i've being dating was searching for a dom/domme couple. she contacted a couple not to far from us and made plans to meet up with them. she denies meeting them but i'm having hard time believing her.also,we're very much active in the life style of swingers.
help on how should i handle this situation?
ps we're into bdsm life style.

Answer
Hi, Henri -- thanks for writing...

My Owner, Jen has prepared this answer for you...

I'll liken trust to a piece of paper and once crushed it is difficult to return to it's original look.  Even if you iron the paper it will never look like it looked before being crushed.  You can write the loveliest poem on this paper but the paper can never look as it did prior to being crushed.

Beyond this poetic explanation - once trust is lost it is up to the person who feels betrayed to decide to remain upset or to move beyond the upset.  It is also up to the person who caused this upset to understand the place their partners now find themselves and to give them the time it will take for them to feel safe enough to open themselves up.

This means that both of you need to want to work through this - and the bigger the betrayal or shear numbers of times you felt betrayed -- requires a lot of work for both of you!

BTW - what is the cause of your feelings of hurt?  You are swingers and into BDSM - are you monogamous too?  Is is a breach or your personal structure?

You may want to spend some time thinking about what your slave thought she could get from another couple that she doesn't think that she can get from you.  If this "thing" is something you are not able to provide perhaps she is better off moving on.  If this "thing" is something she can get from someone else and now affects your structure then you may wish to allow her to meet her needs somewhere else and maintain your relationship with her.  These are questions only you are able to answer - and require that you are true to your core needs.

Jen

+++

Hope this helps.  

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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