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Question
Hi.

I am a 20-year-old female submissive and I started an online long term Master/slave relationship with my master 2 months ago. I am new to bdsm. My master is in his 40s. He is exactly the kind of master I'm looking for. He is polite, caring and experienced. Most importantly, he knows what I need and is able to help me understand myself better. We communicate via emails everyday since we met. We haven't had any web cam session yet as I don't feel like doing that. We all agreed at the beginning that this would only be a online relationship. This is for him to guide me to become a better submissive and for me to prepare myself for future real life Doms.

However, recently when I asked him, he told me that he is married and have kids. He said although his wife knows this side of him, she is not interested in satisfying him this way and also has no clue he has been taking slaves online. I feel bad about this because it seems to me that he is cheating on his wife. He ensured me that he isn't planning on leaving his wife and it is just the way he makes things work. But still, I don't think it is moral for me to 'play' with him without his wife knowing. I understand that even if I left my master, he would probably just go and find another slave soon. I don't feel comfortable with this news but all the same he really is the right type of Dom that I am looking for. So I don't know whether I should stay or leave him and go find another master.

I really want some guidance on this issue. Thank you very much for your time and I deeply appreciate your effort to help me.

Answer
Ashley -

It seems you answered your own question: you aren't comfortable being a party to his decisions.

There are people that would be comfortable in your situation and those that wouldn't be. I don't believe you need to find a "universal truth."  Whether I find moral, or just or acceptable doesn't matter. Even in an unequal, power-based relationship you retain the right to decide if the relationship works. Ideally that is done at the beginning of the relationship. But sometimes new information produces new facts and circumstances that requires a new decision point and assessment of continued consent. It appears you're at such a point. And it also appears you've made your decision.

That doesn't mean it's easy or painless. Ending any relationship is painful. At least you're at this point early in the relationship.

As part of processing all of what's happened and moving forward, I would encourage you to reflect on what you've learned (both positive and negative) and utilize that information as you go forward.

On the positive side, you've seemingly learned some of the attributes you seek in a Dominant partner. And you've realized you don't choose to be with someone engaged in another relationship without that person's knowledge.   

There may be more things you can learn about yourself by exploring the relationship further:

If the wife knew and was comfortable, would you have been okay with what would have been a polyamorous relationship, or do you need monogamy?

Are you comfortable with online relationships, or do you need it to be in-person?

Are there different (or additional) questions you would ask now during the assessment phase of a new relationship?

Do you prefer an age difference?

I wish you all the best.

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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