BDSM/not sure

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QUESTION: Dear Lady Aryana,

I might ramble a bit, but hopefully the questions come out. I live in South Africa, we seem to be a little conservative in some instances. I know there is a whole other world out there but getting into it is not that easy and you end up finding inexperienced people and having bad experiences.
I have always preferred the kinkier side of sex but most of the relationships I have been in have not been like that. I thought there was something wrong with me. My Mother thinks that using a vibrator makes you a six person and that people into that sort of thing have problems, so I have problems.
I have never been in a relationship for longer than 8 months, but have been in an on off relationship for years at a time. I am terrified of commitment and pushed people away, I have serious problems trusting people.
My Mother also always tells me that no one will ever be able to put up with me Iím just too difficult. I am a strong person, but also keep to myself, just have my family, but I do want to be with someone and settle down. I watch my family and see how they all take orders from their husbands and boyfriends and it all seems a little one sided to me and I always swore I would never let a man control me, but in the bedroom I like it when they take over. I have no respect for men with no back bone and have only ever had one stand up to me and it was refreshing.
In order to work on my trust and commitment issues I got involved with some people online that consider themselves to be real vampires. The one says he is a Master and a vampire and lives in Johannesburg near me and we became friends. He then discovered 50 Shades of Grey. We met a few times and made a deal I would be his donor (I cut myself sometimes when Iím really depressed). He claimed to be a Master, but I donít know the few time we got together, it was ok, there was biting (I bite back), bondage, before anything started I told him I was not interested in anal anything, not because Iím not curious but because Iím worried it will be gross.  This carried on and it was ok and then he tried to get me to call him sir and I just couldnít, that word would not come out of my mouth and nothing he did or tried could make me, in the end he was begging and I was leaving. What kind of Master begs? It turns out woman push him around all the time and he does anything to get some approval.
I want a strong man, I donít want to be beaten black and blue but a little pain is ok, I just donít want to be difficult all the time, I want someone to look after me not me have to constantly worry and look after them, I hate making decisions.
I donít know if I am submissive or where I fit in, if I am just plain vanilla or if I want to be in an D/s relationship. Iím lost and I had a bad experience with fetlife. I have join collar me in SA, but you have to go and meet someone, I have no one to go with and a little nervous to go on my own.
I donít want to share or be shared, I donít want to be humiliated and I have fantasies but I canít talk about sex with my partner I donít talk during sex, came close to playing out a fantasy once but clammed up, I become so shy words wonít come out my mouth.
I donít know if any of this makes sense I am typing this out as thoughts are coming into my head, but any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Vicky

ANSWER: Vicky,

There are so many issues here I need to address this on so many levels, and I would like to do that with a little bit of time, so if you can bear with me as I am out of town and with that I do want to give you the attention you need. So if you can wait a day or two more I will be more then happy to give you the advice you are seeking.

If not I will answer you but you will not get the information I think you are seeking here.

In short for now, what I see you needing/wanting/desiring is more of a DD relationship instead of a D/s relationship. The difference is DD *Domestic Discipline* compared to a Dom/Sub relationship is in DD the submissive has more say in the relationship and feel more as an equal. Although you can get the spankings and play in the bedroom where as in a D/s relationship he controls so much more not just in the bedroom but all area's of your life.

Although I am not saying a submissive can not be strong in a D/s relationship she simply will do things based on her *Master/Dom/Daddy's thoughts and wishes.

I can send you information, although with books both D/s wise and DD wise. Although as I said I am out of town for a few days, and will be home for sure tomorrow afternoon.

If you would like more info please let me know and I will give you alot ore attention.

Lady Aryana

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Lady Aryana,

Thank you for getting back to me and yes I would really like more information, thank you.

I am willing to wait until you have the time and you are back home.

Thank you for getting back to me.

Vicky

Answer
Vicky,

I wasn't sure if I would be home tonight or not, so this is why I asked for a little more time to get into detail information.

First let me start off with sites I think you would benefit from..

http://www.disciplineandlove.com/index.php I Am a member here

http://www.spankingclassics.com/cgi-bin/discus/discus.cgi I am a member here

http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com/ *I am a member here*

http://learningdd.blogspot.com/?zx=cd70afc05df879a1

http://aspankedwifesphotoblog.blogspot.com/?zx=f23da0eede9bcb26

http://learningdd.com/

Ok so now you have sites, although you still need to understand this is still all about consent. Finding that line in the relationship where he *or she* can decide when you can be spanked and what for.. Discipline doesnt always fall under spankings, it can be, lack of computer time, lose of cell phone, bedtimes, and so forth. All this will be something you both have talked about, and agree with.

As for D/s

Fetlife.com

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe,_sane_and_consensual *this would also be useful in a DD relationship*

http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/02/a-submissive-approach-to-safe-sane-and-co

http://www.the-crucible.com/bdsm.htm

http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/resources/bdsm-101.html

And I would also suggest if you could to get any and all books either e-books or hard bound.. Personally I prefer the hand bound, to ebooks, but this is just me.

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy

Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph W. Bean

Just a few to name, I have all but the Flogging one, but I have read it, and enjoy it.

Now for your first writing.

I don't see how old you are, but going on the area you live in, and how your mother thinks anyone using *toys* as being sick I wanted to address this first.

As much as you love your Mother, we are a completely different world now days, and the chances of a STD now days, simply isn't worth the risk of finding someone just for sex and even more cause you don't want to be looked as a slut for sleeping with so many guys, or people if you are bi.

Also before you can get into a relationship you need to know what it takes to please you, so you can tell your partner.. Your mother on the other hand was raised I would say, sex was for having babies and or for His pleasures. Which alot of older people still think this, so for her, she was taught one thing, and as parents we try to instill in our kids what we believe in, is it right or wrong. Depends on the kids, and what you are trying to pass down, So as for your Mom you need to not talk about it with her, and understand and respect what she feels. You know what you are doing, and as for that, when she talks about *those* people, just smile and agree if you have to. You aren't sick, you aren't disturbed, you simply need the release you find with these toys, and your going about it in a safe manner.

My question to you is why do you find it hard to trust, and before you answer it, you need to look deep into yourself, and be completely honest to yourself. Once you figure that out, you will be able to work on these issues, and the next relationship you are in, you can sit down and talk to him and let him know why you have these issues. Communication, vanilla or BDSM needs to be able to talk about how we feel. Personal though in a Power exchange relationship the needs is twice as important.

As for being to difficult, no this is not true.. I think it takes a strong person to submit, and the trick there is to find someone a bit stronger then you. Granted most people think they find this person cause for a short time period they seem to be stronger, but after a bit of time, it becomes work in the relationship and they simply don't want to work at it anymore. Although Vanilla or Power Exchange doesn't matter which on, always takes work from BOTH parties.

I think you keep to yourself as you are having these issues with trusting, and once you understand where they come from, you can work on letting go of them.. After that you need to work on getting out. If you lived here in the states I would suggest attending munches in your area since most states have towns where people can get together over dinner and talk, get to know each other.. I just did a search on Fetlife, and I have found 7000+ people in Search for:     
Kinksters (7458) Groups (155) Events (1) Fetishes (2) Locations (1) This search was for South Africa since I do now know where you are actually located.

So you need to sign up for sites like fetlife, Bondage.com, and Alt.com

Once you sign up look over the sites, and see which one you like most, and go from there, learn more about the groups, connect with people, and learn to talk about what it is you are looking/wanting/desiring in a relationship. I will tell you up front, fetlife is where I think you need to be.

Like I said it takes a strong person to submit, and what you need to go is find someone who can be stronger then you are. Alot of people start out int he bedroom, and as the relationship moves forward, it can slowly move from the bedroom. And a Good Man/Master/Dom will appreciate your strong side as they know if there was ever a need for something to be taken care of they wont be calling him asking what should I do about this and this and this. A submissives job is to help make his life easier, and in turn he makes hers easier and rewarding.


I want to trust on the whole anal thing. First if anyone with a brain would like to go there, he will know to cover it unless you have been prepared for it. Enema's eating correctly where you have a moment either every day or over few days. If you as the submissive haven't had a movement in a few days, yea it will be a little messy but it can be cleaned up. And you also need to know, once the penis goes into your ass, it should not be removed, and placed in the mouth, or pussy unless he was covered and the condom has been removed. This is strictly a health issues, you can do this, but you need to know everything about your partner before you go into the whole one hole to another. Other then that, you need to remember, if he wants to go there, he isn't all that worried about the mess, and its all cleanable. Personally I would suggest you get a small plug to get used to it, and you can tell from the *mess* if you need to clean yourself out, or if it is so little that the little bit that might be there, isn't worth worrying about.

Ok I am sure I am about to hit my limit so I will finish this in another email

Lady Aryana

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Lady Aryana

Expertise

Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Victorian Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Web pages and site for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either D/s or Mistress/slave, or simply learning more in order to help others. I am always reading, either on the net or books.

Experience

I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment. I just moved to Indina with in the last year. I can be found on Fetlife.com as LadyAryana. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me. Slowing I am returning to being active in the community here in Indiana. In the past I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 20+ yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I am semi active in Indiana since moving here, I attend munches and demo's / play parties GRALE, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and and Gorean, I understand that training varies in each relationship so you adjust to what it is you do for the relationship you are in. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

Past/Present Clients
Master, slave, submissive, Tops, and Bottoms. Along with those who simply wanted to learn how to be kinky in the bedroom

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