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BDSM/Conflicted Personality

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Question
Lady Aryana,

I am in a long term relationship (married half my life)to a wonderful man who seems to define loving and supportive. I'm very aware of how lucky I am in our relationship. We've flirted with the BDSM lifestyle throughout our marriage, and recently have decided (together) to make it more of a full time part of our lives. Hardly 24/7, but definitely more consistent. Yea us!

My problem is that in my everyday life I'm fairly independent, outspoken (tact is not my strong suit), and something of a rebel. I deal well with authority, but anything that comes across as a command causes an instant reaction that feels like "You can try it, if you're feeling froggy!)- no matter who the "command" is coming from. At the same time I crave those times when he puts his foot down and demands my obedience. Apparently I don't compartmentalize well, and my rebellious nature will assert itself at the most inopportune times.

I want, need, this to work, and know that I have to bring myself under control. Sometimes I worry that if I don't get it together he will get too frustrated with the whole thing and decide not to take part. He's says I'm worth the frustration, but I really do want to be a better sub for him.

So, how do I reconcile my wild child with my sex kitten?

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with this.

anya

Answer
anya,

I think before you and your husband dabble into a D/s relationship you might wish to consider a DD relationship. It might help you more with your wild child and still meet the needs of your sex kitten as you put it.

I can give you some information on DD. I see that though your heart might want this, your head is giving you issues, and if you try to go to far to fast your going to end up being disappointed in the relationships.

You need to learn that this is something you want, and accept the fact your husband is giving you the things you need/want/desire so again I think a DD relationship would be a good starting point for you both,

You can learn more about DD here, this is one of my favorite sites, and yes I am a member there as well.

http://www.disciplineandlove.com/

I am going to give you some links to sites I used to learn about DD and if you would like send me a private msg, and send me your email, and I will attach files I have found to be helpful

http://www.domesticdisciplinedreams.blogspot.com/

http://eroticstoriesblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/domestic-disciplinetpe-agreement.h *This one is based around what they call a Master/slave relationship*

http://www.takeninhand.com/ *can seem a little out of there at times, but if you remember take what you know will work for you and yours, and you can learn alot about the lifestyle*

http://www.spankingclassics.com/

From what I read from your msg, you need to figure out a way to get your head to understand that this is something your heart wants. Problem alot of people tend to see is being submissive is for the weak, and this is not the case. To be a good submissive you need to be stronger then most. You have to be willing to let go with that one person you trust which in your case is your husband. He sounds like he is a good man, and wants to do this as well, although if you keep having issues with falling through with his commands you will just upset him and sooner or later he will want to give up. And I don't think this would be good for either one of you, not to mention your marriage.

So if you would like more information, please let me know or as I said send a private request and your email, and I will be more then happy to send you files which you and your husband can look over, and see what would work for you both. Although this is one of those things I think that will be more you need to consider then he will.. In the mean time, here are some examples of a DD contact you might find useful.

Good Luck

Lady Aryana

I, __________________ husband of ___________________________ in accordance with her wishes, as expressed above, do hereby promise and agree to discipline my wife THOROUGHLY when-ever I feel such discipline would prove helpful to her. I have read the agreement, and subscribe to the RULES AND REGULATIONS. I especially agree as follows:

1st - To spank her with any instrument deemed necessary by me.

2nd - To take care not to cut her skin, raise welts or otherwise bruise or injure her body at any time.

3rd - To spank her only upon her buttocks, after she has placed herself across my lap in the regular spanking position.

4th - To resume friendly relations immediately after a spanking is over. To hold a grudge or to continue a quarrel or misunderstanding after a spanking has been administered is in direct violation of the whole spirit domestic discipline.

5th – To never divulge our lifestyle to anyone without her permission, and to be discreet in administering the discipline.

6th – To use the less serve forms of punishments such as corner time and removal of privileges, as I deemed necessary for the severity of the infraction. For my wife's own good, I promise to discipline her without fail whenever any of the causes listed above have been violated.

(Signed) X________________________________(husband) X________________________________(wife)   

2.  Example of  a Daily Task/Requirements List


Week of: ___________   

#          Mon   Tue   Wed     Thu   Fri   Sat     Sun
  MORNING CHORES          
2   MAJOR Things To Do Today For Husband          
5   Check Blood Glucose, Blood Pressure & Weight          
5   Morning Meds/Eat Breakfast          
5   AM Yoga          
2   Pick Up In House, Dishes          
2   Clean 1 Small Area Of House          
  AFTERNOON CHORES          
5   Eat Lunch - Meds          
5   Walk To Mailbox          
5   Eat Dinner - Meds          
10   No BAD Eating Between Meals & During Night          
5   Weight in 5 LB range          
5   Bedtime 12:00AM          
5   Bad Behaviors          
  TOTALS          

3.  Example of a Personal Discipline Log

Ref. Number   Date   Infraction ………………………………. Penalty……………………   Repeat Offence?……………..   Ref. No(s) of earlier Offence…….

4.  Some suggestions as to what to consider at a regular 'no consequences review'

1.  Did you feel that your last discipline was warranted?

2.  Did you understand why it was given?

3.  If the answer to either question 1 or 2 is "no", what can you do to avoid that   
     problem in the future?

4.  Did you (the HOH) approach it in the right way, or do either of you feel
     that there is a better way?

5.  Did you (the bottom) react and behave in an acceptable way?  If not, what changes need
     to be made.

5.  Was the discipline sufficient to be effective, or should it have continued for a
     longer time in order to effect full 'closure'?

6.  How did it make you (the bottom) feel?  Were there any negative feelings
     after the event, like anger, resentment, guilt, embarassment etc?  If so, what
     were they, and why do you think that they occured?  Was this a  
     particularly positive experience and, if so, why did it work so well?

7.  How did the you (the HOH) feel about the discipline session?  Did you feel
     that you got through to your partner, ot did you feel that it wasn't effective
     and didn't clear the air?  Did it work unusually well for you and if so, why
     was that?

7.  Is there any part of our agreed rules/contact that isn't working and needs to
     be changed or removed?  Has anything new arisen that you deel should be
     added to your agreement?

8.  So far does DD in general seem to be a good and worthwhile addition to
    your lives, or do the negatives outweigh the positives?  Do we want to
    continue in much the same way, or do we want to abort the attempt or
    rethink it from scratch?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Example One:-

##

#Part 1 of  

Loving Domestic Discipline Agreement Part One

Officially entered into on _________:

I, ................ , wife of ................ , do hereby acknowledge that I have researched and read information on Loving Domestic Discipline and the doctrines it advocates. It is my desire to have my conduct regulated by the enforcement of these doctrines. I, thereby, give my husband the full right and my permission to discipline me through spanking, corner time, grounding or removal of privileges whenever such discipline would prove necessary and in accordance with this agreement.

This agreement has been entered into willingly and for no other purpose than to improve my disposition, attitude and behavior and secure the general benefit that always comes from the enforcement of intelligent discipline.

I understand and accept that I will be disciplined without fail whenever I break my promise to:

1. Refrain from derogatory or inflammatory speech toward my husband, including but not limited to swearing, sarcastic remarks, raising my voice and insults. To endeavor to address my husband with respect, using “Sir” whenever appropriate.

2. Be in Total obedience and submission to my husband as the Head of our Household. This specifically includes:

a. Giving him the authority to make the final decision in all matters that warrant one.
b. Maintaining our home in a clean and presentable condition and to do routine household tasks in a timely manner.
c. Maintain financial responsibility.
d. Refrain from using foul language.
e. Refrain from making disparaging generalizations.
f. Refrain from speeding or driving in an unsafe manner.
g. Refrain from drinking alcohol.
h. Not to disobey my husband’s verbal or written requests.
i. Not to make any comments that put myself down (i.e.: I’m too fat).

3. To make every effort to control my temper with him, our family and others.

4. To be truthful in all matters.

5. To confess any transgressions he is not aware of, or witness to.

6.  To always keep doctor appointments and to take my medications on time, and as prescribed.

I promise to cooperate with my husband fully and faithfully, to prepare for any punishment promptly when asked to do so and harbor no ill will toward him for so disciplining me. I further promise to ask for discipline when I feel I need it in an effort to refrain from provoking him to discipline me through bad behavior, attitudes or the willful breaking of rules.

I further consent to my husband’s authority to amend or add to the aforementioned promises as he sees fit.

_______________________________________________________................  (Wife)

_______________________________________________________................  (Husband)


Remember these can be adjusted for what will work with your husband and you, Simply change what ever doesn't apply to you and go from there.. Most start out with a 2 week or a month contract and go from there, once a month is done they will move to a three month time period.

I did not write these I am simply sharing with you as I feel they could be helpful.

Lady Aryana

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Lady Aryana

Expertise

Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Victorian Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Web pages and site for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either D/s or Mistress/slave, or simply learning more in order to help others. I am always reading, either on the net or books.

Experience

I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment. I just moved to Indina with in the last year. I can be found on Fetlife.com as LadyAryana. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me. Slowing I am returning to being active in the community here in Indiana. In the past I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 20+ yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I am semi active in Indiana since moving here, I attend munches and demo's / play parties GRALE, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and and Gorean, I understand that training varies in each relationship so you adjust to what it is you do for the relationship you are in. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

Past/Present Clients
Master, slave, submissive, Tops, and Bottoms. Along with those who simply wanted to learn how to be kinky in the bedroom

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