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BDSM/The division of power

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Question
Hello,

Almost a year ago I met a Lady who turned out to be interested in bdsm. After extensively talking about it, it became clear that I had to submit to her. Now, after a year of communicating and decision making, I am about to enter into a full D/s relationship with her, starting with a training period, that we intend to evolve rather quickly into a situation of total power exchange.

The only problem I have with this is is that it were my suggestions and ideas that gave shape to the way in which she is going to operate. When we started talking she was very moderate, but the more I told her about how far I wanted to go, the more she went along in it. (For example my initiation rite will be a forced circumcision)
I am worried that I have taken too much power of decision out of her hands and perhaps I am trying to make her into something she is not, simply because I wish to totally and completely submit to her.

She has a much less formal approach to the lifestyle (she does not want me to refer to her as Mistress/Lady/Goddess/..., nor does she impose any rule that would formalize our interactions).

This has made me confused and I am worried that she may perhaps expect something different but is afraid to discuss it with me out of fear of appearing weak.
How should I proceed ?

Answer
kun

It is really clear to me that two things are at play here, one is you are topping from the bottom. Secondly, she cares for you and is only doing this to make you happy.  I seriously doubt she has in her the necessary elements to make her a real domme.  Sometimes people try to be that which others want simply to have some of the aspects they desire. This is the same in vanilla as well as the lifestyle.  This forced change of both is artificial and not really going to work or have any longevity.  It is very likely you can have a meaningful vanilla relationship with this woman but beyond that there will be limits to the level of extreme she will not cross.

If you can accept that this is a very slow and gradual process and not expect the extreme to occur then you have a chance, if not it will end in heartache and emotional suffering for both of you.  My suggestion to you is to park the lifestyle interests or the attempts to manipulate her.  Then sit with her and simply talk about her needs,w ants and desires. Forget your own interests.  Do so honestly a clearly.  When she has become comfortable in that then understand how you can fit into her life and if you even want to, will this be enough.  If not then you have to broach the subject of monogamy and the possibility of you finding your domination elsewhere. She may be unwilling to share and likely will be, if this is the case then other choices have to be made. All complex and meaningful relationships take time and effort to come to fruition. If you can not invest the time and honest to do so it will not last.  If you can not be 100% honest it wont last, and if you can not be 100% submissive then the likelihood of turning a vanilla into a domme has a very low chance of success.

I am sorry for my negative prognosis, but I value honesty more than anything else.  Most people simply pay it lip service; but incredible as it seems nothing else really works.

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Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

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