BDSM/Empty

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Question
Hello. Recently things ended between my Master and I and although we were friends before our M/s relationship and we'll still be friends now, I feel so empty. I cant help thinking I did something wrong, even though he says I did everything he asked and more. I cant help feeling if I was a better sub for him I could have held his attention better and we wouldn't have drifted apart. I don't know how I'm going to go back to "normal " every day life without him being at the forefront of my mind and not doing the daily tasks he set me at the start of our relationship. I'd appreciate some advice on how I can get over these feelings. Thank you in advance.

Answer
Pinky -

I wish there were a simple solution. It sucks when any relationship ends. I think it's even harder when it's a power-based relationship.

As you're experiencing, the s-type can feel adrift: lacking structure and suddenly facing the need to exercise control and authority. Don't focus on the "what ifs" - it is a futile and pointless exercise. The reality is things didn't work out.

Now what you need to do is.....move on. Start by remembering you're a competent person. You had to be to serve someone. So focus your energy on serving..... yourself. What are things you need to do to get your life in order? Whether it's finding a place to live, a job, or simply getting out of bed and starting the day, your "directive" to yourself is to get cracking!

That doesn't mean you won't have moments  of sadness. Or even tears. You will. But don't let it consume you. Push through it. Set your sights on the present-- not what wrong in the past or where you'll be on the future. Just deal with today. I find it helps to "purge". Return the collar; pack away or discard momentous; clear out pictures from your phone or computer. Do a good spring cleaning.

Once you get to a better place, then you can start to reflect on what lessons you learned from the relationship so you hopefully won't have to repeat them.  

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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