BDSM/BD/SM

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QUESTION: ok so I figured asking a guy would be a little easier,you know asking a guy's point of view...my boyfriend consistantly tries new things with me and several months ago we got into "name calling", and him hitting me.just kinky dominant things.he made the comment recently that something needs to change in our sex life cuz he is tired of constantly being the dominant one.problem is I dont know how to be dominant without feeling masculine.I have tried but I cant enjoy it myself because Im too worried about whether he likes what Im doing or not.if anything is offending him.this is my first time trying this with anyone and I dont know what Im doing.please help.~Rose

ANSWER: Rose -

The first place to start is to figure out if he wants you to do specific things to him (in other words, he's on the receiving end but still dictating the play), or if he wants to indulge your fantasies and do what you want.  Only the two of you can determine the answer -- and I strongly encourage you to have that conversation or you're likely to have at least one of you gravely disappointed.

Next, let's slaughter the notion that being "in charge" or on the giving end is masculine.  There are plenty of female Dominants that are both strikingly feminine and wickedly sadistic.  But again, that goes back to the question of who you are doing this for.  If it's for you - and you get to decide what to do - well simply choose those activities that keep you feeling feminine (have him lick your feet? grind your high heels into his balls? face sitting?).

Whatever the two of you decide is the purpose and roles, a good place for beginners to start is with a BDSM checklist.  Put that term into google and you're bound (pun intended) to find numerous examples.  Don't worry about which one to use.  Just pick one.  And start the process of reviewing which things interest you.

There is an almost infinite list of kinky activities.  Some are physical, others are mental.  Some are intense (like CBT), others are not (like tickling).  Some of the activities can be done without any practice or skill (like spanking).  Others require knowledge that can be acquired from books (S&M101 is but one example), classes and workshops (check out BESS if you're near Baltimore and Crucible if you're closer to DC), and a variety of other resources.

But the bottom line is:  you need to be comfortable with what you're doing and enjoy it.  Give things a try.  Hopefully they will be rewarding for each of you.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The thing about him is he gets pleasure off of my pleasure.Ive asked him what hed like and he said anything.but Ive tried researching and I couldnt find anything as far as what to do.I dont know much on dominating because I enjoy being dominated.so at the same time Im going out of my comfort zone.

Answer
Rose --

There are lots of options.  You can focus on service -- having him bathe you, brush your hair, do your nails, massage, etc.  You can explore humiliation -- sissification, name calling and objectification are examples.  You can do sensation play -- scratching, biting, tickling, etc.  Impact play is another option -- from spanking to whips and other implements that require practice.

Again, bottom line is that you need to find what works for both of you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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