BDSM/confused

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Question
Hello Sir,

I think I'm slowly unintentionally destroying the relationship I have with my Master... I'd very much appreciate any advice or criticism you may have about my question. Before I ask I'd like to give you a brief summary of our relationship so you might understand the situation more.

First of all, I have been with my Master for almost three years, He is a lot more experienced than I am. He is my first Master. He has had several older slaves that I told me they would do anything to be His again. Ok so you get that he is older, wiser, and experienced. And I love Him very much.

This is probably a stupid question but I feel like I need an unbiased expert opinion. Basically I feel betrayed and lied to. When we began the relationship I was lead to believe I would be His only slave and if that ever changed He'd let me know. Well... it changed and I didn't know.  I completely understand His business is His business and He doesn't have to tell me anything.  But He empathizes to me how important trust is... and I feel like I've lost a good amount of trusted due to that instance and I've had women contact me to deliberately sabotaged our relationship. I can't concentrate on progressing with Him with all that going on.

So am I a dumb wanna be slave who is too emotional? Did I pick the wrong master?  Is this stupid to even waste my time thinking about? I seriously feel betrayed and I'm scarred to fully submit now because I feel like I fell in love with one Master and now I'm finding out He's not exactly what I thought.  I understand if I want the relationship to continue I have to forgive and forget. But this type of relationship is different than vanilla relationships...trust is so important to me. Humiliate me, beat me, mold me, punish me... all that is expected...I didn't think He was supposed to betray me. But is it even possible to betray a slave? Am I thinking too vanilla?

Thank you for your time,
Rachel

Answer
Rachel -

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing such pain.

Polyamory is one of the big relationship challenges. From my perspective, it is an issue that should be discussed openly in the "getting to know you" phase. But even if that were universally agreed to, that doesn't mean everyone has (or should have) an agreement on what that means. Some people agree on monogamy; some agree on emotional monogamy, but with play partners; some agree to poky - but don't want to know the details; some see poly as a series of interlocking relationships.

Regardless of the choice, the key is to be on the same page. It sounds like you two weren't on the same page or ended up on different pages.

The question for you is: what to do about it?  I would discourage you from thinking there is one right answer ("as a slave, you must do x"). The reality is we are humans in intimate, personal and emotional issues. The challenge for you is to figure out what you need.

Here are some questions to ponder:

Can you now live in a poly dynamic?
If so, what do you need for that to work?
Can he work within your needs?
Can you trust?

If you decide to stay, you need to be able to get past it. Constantly dredging up the past isn't healthy for anyone.

If you decide to move on, you need to learn from the experience and decide what you'll do differently.

I hope things turn out well for you.  

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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