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Hi,
I have been married for 25 years and my wife in the past year has read those 50 shades books and it appears to have opened up something within her. She started doing a lot of Internet searching and to cut a long story short ended up meeting a Dom online. We have an open marriage mentality but never really acted on it, although we did try a threesome once and she has had the odd one night stand. Well she sent me a text and didn't want me to say NO and really wanted to try this Dom / sub thing with this guy she met. I want her to be happy and love her very much. I also realize that her sex drive is pretty high. She basically told me that I could never dominate her the way she needed?? (whatever that is suppose to mean#. Anyway off she went and had 2-3 sessions with this guy and I didn't like it as I had started to read more about something I no nothing about. It is about trust and I thought that she would get way to emotionally involved with this married man. She stopped as she didn't want it effecting our marriage and I appreciated that, but I cant move past the fact that she felt that doing this in the first place rather than really talking to her husband and exploring options  was the way to go. She has said that she will suppress her feeling which I have told her is wrong and not healthy. I feel angry with the way she has gone about exploring these feelings and not involving me at the beginning. Now I feel like I am just in her way (despite her telling me otherwise)as I don't understand any of it and the info on the Internet is confusing. Anyway now I have been seriously considering a divorce so that she can explore this lifestyle on her own?? help

Answer
Mike,

Ok first what she did by telling you to say No is not how she should have got started. You are correct. D/s or BDSM is about trust, communication, respect, and consent.

I think you would be best to stop reading the internet, and if you want to work through this with your wife..

I would suggest you get any of these books

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy

Flogging: The Basics and Beyond (SMTech Educational) by Joseph W. Bean

Any of these books will help you understand what she says she wants.. Although one thing about fifty shades is that it is all fiction, there isn't much consent in the books, and what he did to her was boarder line abuse.

What you need to remember is that being a Dom is so much more then being able to have your cock sucked. It is about giving pleasure *and pain which is also considered pleasure* You also can add so much more to the relationship in time. Although until you can understand what it is with in a healthy relationship the play is simply a means to a end, and though it will spice up your sex life, and in some case save relationships.

Although you simply need to sit your wife down and tell her that you love her, and you want to do this for her, and talk about what it is she wants.. Be it to be tied down, spanked, nipple pinched, and so forth. Although as I said until you learn what all you can do, and she learned her limits, which for some it could be a wooden paddle, a cane, a bull whip.. And once she learned the toys that she cant handle, she needs to learn how much can she take. Most in the lifestyle will use a safe word until you at least learn the actions of your wife.

The can be red, yellow, green.. Red means STOP now, I am done.. Yellow means ok slow down, lighten up.. And green is keep going I am loving this.. You can also create your own safe words, although these words need to be words she wouldn't normally say while playing.. Stop, no and such are not good safe words.

Something else you might want to consider, is sign up on Fetlife.com and once you have gotten all signed up, but in your city .. I did it for you and got members and groups..

https://fetlife.com/search/groups?page=2&q=Alberta%2C+Canada

Look for munches *this is where others get together, and enjoy a dinner or lunch or just drinks* once you get out, you can talk to other's in your area. And hopefully you can find someone who will Mentor you and your wife..

Although as I said you need to talk to her and get her to allow you to do your own research buy getting books, and reading them. And once you have,and you have a better understanding you can turn to the community and learn how to play, and where you can get toys...

I am sorry things started out like they did, if you love her like you did before, and such take my advice, simply learn more about it, not on the web but in real books who answers most of your questions.

Good Luck.

Lady Aryana  

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Lady Aryana

Expertise

Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Victorian Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Web pages and site for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either D/s or Mistress/slave, or simply learning more in order to help others. I am always reading, either on the net or books.

Experience

I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment. I just moved to Indina with in the last year. I can be found on Fetlife.com as LadyAryana. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me. Slowing I am returning to being active in the community here in Indiana. In the past I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 20+ yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I am semi active in Indiana since moving here, I attend munches and demo's / play parties GRALE, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and and Gorean, I understand that training varies in each relationship so you adjust to what it is you do for the relationship you are in. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

Past/Present Clients
Master, slave, submissive, Tops, and Bottoms. Along with those who simply wanted to learn how to be kinky in the bedroom

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