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BDSM/very interested, but not sure what to do

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Question
First of all, i would like to thank You for taking the time to contemplate and consider my quandaries.
i am relatively new to the whole idea of anything at all having to do with BDSM-type activities.  Truth be told, it started with my wife who brought up her long-held desires to be tied up, spanked, talked down to and all-in-all submissive.  i was hesitant at first, not really sure what to do, but we tried a few things and it was fun.  
However, the more i research this sort of lifestyle, the more i realize i would much rather be the one being submissive than the one being Dominant.  
My wife and i did try that once and it went well i suppose, but it was just once and there really is no desire on her part to do it again.
Lately i have been involved in online chat rooms, trying to figure out more of what is involved in being submissive and again, the more i learn the more it appeals to me.  Thus far no Dommes have approached me in terms of offering to take me under their heel, so to speak, in a more formal role. i believe i might be interested in seeking something online only, but, err, well, then there's the whole thing with my wife.  
Basically, err, i'm not at all sure what to do?  i'm not sure if this is something You can help with, but, err, if so, thank You.

Answer
david.

Firstly, tell your wife. Open communication is ESSENTIAL to BDSM practice. Relationships (even those that are vanilla in nature) break down because there is a barrier to - or a lack of - communication. Do not lie to your wife, unless you have an agreement that it is okay to lie to each other. It only serves to make things worse. It is your responsibility to operate within the confines of your established relationship pattern, or you are perpetrating betrayal, and that is grounds for termination on her part.

Beyond that, you haven't asked your wife definitively whether or not she enjoyed the practice (unless you left that part out). She may have needed time to process, but that is not a proclamation of repugnance or aversion. If she didn't SEEM to enjoy it, that is not the same as asking her definitively whether or not she'd continue the practice. She may be happy to keep up the D part of D/s, if you'd agree to switch with her. Or she may find that she's evolving to become more Dominant, per your session. You're looking for an excuse to seek pleasure extra-maritally and your perception is that you're justifying this underhanded behavior by saying "oh well, she didn't like it, time to move on to someone who will give me the approval and pleasure I am seeking," rather than accepting your own preference and reaching a compromise about it. Is your wife less important than your sexual pleasure? Is your wife less important than your lack of communication? Would you be okay with her doing the same thing to you? These are questions to ask yourself about your behavior. Eventually the shroud will drop, and being proactive/communicating/compromising (sooner rather than later) is what I prescribe. Don't dance around your solid intent.

If your wife is not a willing participant in a D/s relationship as the Dominant, and she chooses to refuse to indulge you in your pleasure, you must also ask yourself if you are important enough to her to be able to give that to you, since it doesn't violate any certain relational standard you've chosen to this point (such as can be the case with a burgeoning forced-poly-but-not-cheating scenario). BDSM is new to both of you, and you can evolve either together or separately, but do not refuse to take a stand on which of these will occur, lest you're looking for a reason to end the marriage. And if you're just looking for a reason, end it.

Behave accordingly,
Madame Rax.

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Madame Rax

Expertise

I am open and willing to answer any questions involving BDSM that do not specifically concern illegal acts involving children or non-consensual assault against an unwilling party.

Experience

I have had BDSM experience in a professional capacity since 2005. As far as personal, non-professional experience, I have always taken the lead in relationships, friendships, and other situational interactions. I prefer to "wear the pants" so to speak. However, this is not to say I wear the physical pants: I am mostly seen wearing skirts.

Organizations
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Publications
Excitedly, this will be my first foray into professional writing about BDSM, however my vanilla writings have appeared in several publications online. I am the former main web editor of a very popular DIY website, writing articles about electronics, repurposing, and sustainability.

Education/Credentials
I have participated in many educational workshops held by Pro-Dommes. I have also hosted a few workshops involving BDSM issues. I have done extensive research on D/s power dynamics and BDSM. As far as education, however, professional sessions and interactions with clients have provided most of my experience.

Past/Present Clients
I have a multitude of both. I specialize in clients with physical handicaps, rare kinks, edge play, LGBT lifestyles, and other underrepresented or marginalized groups.

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