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Long and the short of it is I was engaged to a gal who liked me to be in control with everything sexual. It was new to me, we had much fun but I don't know how much of it was D/s or just us fooling around.

Sadly she passed away and after a while I started dating again and found someone I've clicked with, and she pretty much popped the question: "Can I call you master". This is something brand new to me.

It's sort of new to her as well as she's fresh into college away from the controlling parents and she's got all these desires of being controlled conflicting with her 'moral' upbringing.

My thing is neither one of us know what our 'limits' are because it's relatively new to both of us in certain respects. I like being her 'master' and she likes being my 'fucktoy'. I've done some google searches but I'm not sure what's considered 'extreme' and what's considered 'low key' into getting into this.

She likes me to control her, to tease her, orgasm denial i think it is, and lately she's been asking for 'punishments'. This is something I've never done, so any sort of advice would be helpful.

How do we both do this new thing without any experience without freaking each other out?

We speak openly, and it's going along I think, but we don't know what the 'next step' is essentially. I know there's no ladder guide but for...general ideas for couples to explore is there a starting point?

I feel like both she and I are just trying random things that come to mind and seeing what happens.

Answer
GD -

Congraduations for finding a partner in crime and for wanting to "do it right."

Talking is the first place to start - exploring what interests each of you and where you'd like to go. Is this about kinky sex? Is a transfer of authority something you each want? Is this limited by time (eg weekends), space (the bedroom), or function (everything but X)?  How do you communicate? Is punishment (or "funishment?)  part of the relationship? what motovates each of you - kinky sex? service? structure?   

You don't have to explore these questions on your own. I don't know where in Virginia you live, but there are many groups and events where you can learn skills, ask question, meet others, find mentors and explore kinks

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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