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QUESTION: Hi, I have come to realize I am a switch, I have a friend that wants me to dom him and I've talked to him for quite a bit he has almost the same kinks, fetishes and limits as me, there's a few things that I don't particularly like but I don't have any problem doing them so we are quite compatible, but the problem is I am very shy about vocalizing something it's like I can physically "force him" but I have difficulty saying it if that make sense. like I have no problem using my hand to force him to kneel but I feel very shy saying it. and do you have any websites recommendation because I am unable to get any books

Thanks,
Jane

ANSWER: Jane -

First, it might help you to explore what it is each of you are seeking. Will you be dominating him (in charge and doing what you want within agreed boundariss$, or topping him (the one on the "giving" end of your kinky activities)?  The reason I raise is this is that if you're "topping@ it might be easier for him just to say "hey, would you mind USO g the crop now? Maybe a few hard strokes on my bum?"  

But if you're really talki g about donating, I can see two potential paths. The first is to work on bacalizarion Nd assertiveness.  So this in vanilla settings. At the coffe shop you say "I'd like a cup of tea woh two lumps of sugar. Not too hot, ease". It's really no different in a D/s setting. You do t have to bark orders or yell. Nothing wrong with I clouding "ease and thank you" - you're still saying you expect it to get done.

An alternative approach is to use your "weakness" as a strength. Want him to kneel and worship your feet? Snap your fingers and point. Want him to spread his feet farther? Tap the I side of his thigh or just kick his feet open. Not only is there the possibility it would be "hot," you're training him to be highly attentive.

As to online resources, I don't know of a kinky Dale Carnegie class. But you might find useful resources and discussions on FetLife.com. Be discriminate: don't accept everything you read as gospel. But you might find some useful insights

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,
I will be dominating him,he made it very clear at the beginning.

Answer
Jane -

Your response highlights why I made the distinction between dominating and topping. The way I interpret what you you wrote, he is deciding the role play. Nothing wrong with that. And to follow through on my original advice, it might work for him to expand on the direction (when we're playing tonight, I want you to......). Or, you both might like the alternative of you directing the show nonverbally  

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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