I was dreaming about bdsm all my life, i watched videos, read books and stories. 6 years ago i met a guy on a regular web site (not bdsm web site). He didn't tell me anything about bdsm but after first date he started to play with me and i liked it. I told him i liked it and feel in love deeply with him, i thought he is my master. We were dating, then he started to talk he loves to live with two women in the same time, he lived and he wants again. I am from another country and this person is american and lived in Europe. I had no clue what is polyamory and had no desire to live with someone else (woman). He started to distance himself from me, I was deeply in love with him and bdsm and agreed to do it to save the relationship with him. It didn't turn good after i met his other girlfriend, I had a trauma and he broke up with me in a very rude way. No explanation or anything.
I married the first person I met after this, he was an american also and i moved to america. I was not getting excited in bed with this my husband. After 4 years of marriage i was still missing this person I've been in relationship with. I wrote him an email and he started to communicate with me through email. He told me how great was the power between me and him was etc. and i should watch a movie ("the secretary"). I am very sensitive person and imagine things easy.
He wrote me sexual stories and gave advices. I was open with him and he said he WILL NEVER introduce me to other women again. However i was able to feel somehow when he was with other women, I cried and wrote him crazy messages. He wanted to live with other women, a lot of women in the same time and develop relationships with them. He meet women on regular dating websites, not bdsm websites and wants to enslave them even people that have no clue of what is bdsm is. It is a power trip for him and he can't help it. This is who he is and he does not want to change. He was willing to have several families.
I divorced with my husband and moved because i wanted to be in relationships with this guy. Because he told me he can't have relationships while i am married and this is not good to live in a lie and fear. However while he was exchanging emails with me he was establishing relationships with other people from eastern europe, some of them moved here. He lives with someone now.
I got crazy when i found out.
I can't get over this f....ing lunatic now. I can't get over with bdsm. I am unwilling to go back to my husband even he wants me back. I met some people from collarme, they played hard with me and i had really good orgasms
I have a questions - can i have orgasms and get excited with people that are vanilla?
How to forget this jerk that was a master? How to forget all this mind fucking games through emails and my relationship with him?
I went to therapy and it didn't help. I was looking for master online but they all different there. I want this one and can't help it.
I know me still in love with him is not good for me because he is not a good person. But i don't know how to forget him? I have suicidal thoughts and can't focus at work.
I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. Hopefully you can learn from those and move on. Reading your post, here are a few possible takeaways:
1. you're drawn to power exchange
2. There are some in the lifestyle that are manipulative (not in a good way)
3. You need to develop the skills to separate the "good" from the "bad"
4. You need transparency and trust - and it may take you time to be trust tour own instincts.
5. You aren't comfortable with poly - and you shouldn't violate your own standards and needs
So, what so you do? Again, a few suggestions based on what you've said:
1. Don't go back to your former Master. It isn't that I know he's bad. Rather, from what you've said, he isn't right for you
2. Get involved in your local community. I don't know if you're in a big enough town with MAsT or other groups, but meeting real people face-to-face is much better than Internet search sites. As part of a community you can vet potential partners, make friends, tap educational resources, and meet play or relationship partners.
3. Work on the evaluation/negotiation process. Having a clear sense of what you need - and articulating and checking that- will help you avoid mismatched partners
4. I know you had a bad experience with a therapist. But if you are truly having suicidal thoughts, you need to find professional help. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom maintains a database of kink-friendly therapists. I strongly encourage you to find one.
All the best!