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BDSM/BDSM Beginner Concerns

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QUESTION: Hello, my husband (of 18 yrs) and I have recently found we enjoy some bondage and lite pain in our sex life (better late than never). :).  This is possibly due to empty nest syndrome.  Anyway, I've found that I love pain and being spanked, clamped and dominated, but I have a concern.  When my husband is giving me my pleasure, I had hoped he would caress and rub gently where pain was administered.  This hasn't happened yet.  I haven't talked to him yet as I don't want to put him off, and it kind of defeats the Dom thing if I have to instruct.  Is it normal to not show gentleness after giving pain?  Would love to experience domination and pain with intimate caresses and tenderness.  Please help me understand.  Thanks so much.

ANSWER: Veronica -

How wonderful that you and your husband discovered a new, mutual interest! Keep that shares joy in mind as you broach the subject of cuddling, caresses and care.

In the BDSM world, what you describe that you're needing is known as "after care."  It's a good phrase, because it captures the need of the participants (yup, Tops can need it too), to process and come down from the intensity.

It's great that you are sensitive to your husband's feelings and want to avoid feeling like you're directing the show. A couple of thoughts to help you. The first is to understand the importance of communication. He needs your input. What he does with that information is his choice. Second, consider timing. Instead of "demanding" soft caresses after a beating, talk with him about it when. You aren't playing. Let him know how much you enjoy the beating, but that it wod help you if afterwards you could snuggle. Finally, consider getting involved in your local kink community. There are likely enty of opportunities to learn new skills and talk with experienced people. It's important that we act in a safe and responsible manner.

Enjoy!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for the quick response.  Excellent advice.  I actually talked to him last night before bed, and he was much more attentive to my desires.  With that said, I have a follow-up question.  I find myself thinking, almost compulsively, about kinky sex, being tied, dominated, and having horribly sexy things done to me.  As I mentioned previously, I am new to this and can not think of a time where BDSM was a consideration.  Now that it is, I've come unhinged. lol.  Is this a common experience?  How does one manage it?  I can't imagine ( well I kind of can) thinking about it all the time.  I know my husband is getting into it because I think he just likes all the sex we're having.  I find I'm looking at it in a different way.  We're both in our mid forties, I feel young, look young, feel sexy and beautiful and want to experience more.  New and confused.  BTW:  looked at Fetlife.  Great information, not sure about hooking up with a community though, husband would absolutely refuse.

ANSWER: What you're experiencing is not uncommon. Sometimes it's referred to as "sub frenzy" - a frenetic exciting and desire for more, more, more.

But I think there can also be another explanation: you are finding your authentic self, and it's exhilarating.

BDSM is a broad umbrella. For some it's kinky sex. For others it is about the relationship dynamic - transfering some level of control (either unlimited or within negotiated boundaries). It may be that you're interested in exploring aspects beyond kinky sex - or aspects of kinky sex that you and your husband haven't yet discussed or experienced.

So what to do about it? Share your thoughts, desires, questions and fantasies with your husband. If you're not sure what is it you want, you might want to do some reading and soul-searching to better understand what your heart wants.

I understand his hesitancy, but know that there are workshops, classes and conferences that aren't sex parties.

All the best

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm not sure if you care to get continued questions from the same person, but I very much appreciated your advice and hoped I could ask another.  If not, know that I wouldn't be offended.

With that being said, I took your advice above and thought about what my true desires are. After doing some research, I am realizing that I don't want to "top from bottom" (learned that term recently), I want the mind control/game. I am highly aroused by strong language and masculinity. I want to relinquish control without being aware I'm making the choice to do so.  The most erotic fantasy I have is to have my husband circumvent my control without any conscience awareness it's happening. I want this to be my journey. I'm strong willed, obstinate, intelligent and have been a control freak most of my life. I want my sexuality to be everything I'm inherently not.  Make sense??

Now, onto my husband.  We talked at length about this and although he's willing, he just doesn't have it in him to become the type of person who could do this.  He can play/pretend that he's controlling me and that's fine with him, and the sex is good, but I know him so well that I know it's for fun and it's not the same.

For example, I bought rope to use because I am absolutely fascinated by it and find it extremely erotic.  My husband just couldn't get past seeing me tied up.  Now I'm just frustrated.  I want to be bound and experience pain and submission. How does one proceed when their partner can't do it?  

I know there's probably many questions tied up (no pun intended) in my babble, but appreciate any attention you could give.

Thank you.

Answer
Veronica -

You may want to do more soul searching. Specifically on the topic of control. Lets take the example you have. You bought the rope, wanted him to use it, and disappointed he didn't. Some would see this as non-submissive action: you decided to buy the rope; you decided rope at would be good; and you decided to equate bondage with submission. Some would say submission would be offering this to him and finding joy in whatever choice he made.

Go back and consider whether this is play or a relationship dynamic.  

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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