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QUESTION: Hi, I want to ask if it's possible for someone who is not naturally dominant be a dominant in bdsm? I am a shy person but someone offered to be my submissive I like the idea of it but not sure it can happen because of my shyness.

ANSWER: Hi, Jane --

You'd probably have to work at it.  Books like "The Control Book" by Peter Masters (from Sidney, actually) would help, as would most of the books written for guys to learn how to be more "Alpha"-like.  I empathize with you, for although I'm a man, I'm not at all "dominant" in the BDSM sense -- not at all macho and actually can't stand to be around macho or what I call "high-testosterone" men.

The challenge for you as a submissive is to learn to make your needs known: you'll need to "find your voice" to direct another person.  Actually, you'll need to find your "voice" to have a successful relationship with anyone.  

Dominance in the bdsm sense is really about leadership.  A book for you to consider is: Leading and Supportive Love: the truth about dominant and submissive relationships by Chris M. Lyon.  I recommend it highly.  If you're interested, my partner, Jen, and I host a live webinar on the second and fourth Tuesday of each month from 8-9, Central Time in the US.  As I have a fair number of friends in Melbourne (after a 21-day lecture tour in 2011) I know that we're on around noon your time on second and fourth Wednesdays.  If you want more info about that, write back to me, please.  

Chris Lyon is host for the webinar that is coming up on your Wednesday, July 10.  As it happens, she just sent me the topics she'll be covering:

--
What about the concern that partners are not equal in D/s relationships?
How does this relate to the book 50 shades of grey?
What about rules in a D/s relationship that begin to seem unreasonable?
Is this like 1950’s households?
How can submissives find a Dominant partner?
Why is negotiation important?

Hope this helps,

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, can you please give me some more imformation for the webinar? Thanks

Answer
Morning, Jane --

Thanks for asking...

The link to get to the home page for the site is: www.sexedforadults.org I strongly suggest that you go to this website before the day of the program and register yourself.  That will make it much easier/faster when you wish to log on for the free webinar.

The link to get into the webinar is:

http://www.sexedforadults.org/index.php?option=com_hikashop&ctrl=product&task=sh

The program starts promptly at 9pm Eastern Time and lasts for one-hour.  We would like those who join us to feel that they are sitting at our dinner table for an open discussion.  Please free to “raise your hand” so we can see that you would like to say something, then un-mute your own microphone and speak.  You may ask a question verbally or simply type questions in the chat window.  We prefer to stay with Master/slave topics but are willing to consider any questions you might have.

Note: Because we are really having dinner, and because we are a fairly formal Master/slave couple, we begin the session with our standard protocols.  I will kneel and place Master’s napkin in her lap, perform a brief centering ceremony, serve the dinner (or bring the pre-plated meal to the table), pour the wine, take my seat and offer the first of a series of toasts.  Master will then give me a bite of food and we then begin the session.

New South Wales is 15 hours ahead of us, so it would be noon, your time on a Wednesday.

Hope to can join us next week.  If you want to receive the announcement that I send out the day before -- a reminder containing a description of the topic and those questions I sent you, then I need your real email address.  Please don't send it to me here.  Please drop me a note to: PowerExchangeEditor@Yahoo.com -- in the subject line just say: Add to announcement list.

Again, thanks for writing.

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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