You are here:

BDSM/Entering D/s relationship

Advertisement


Question
Hello Sir. I am a 39 year old married woman who has been more than curious about entering a D/s relationship as a sub. This desire of mine goes well beyond any 50 Shades books or any variation of it. I have been two men to see if there was a connection. One was dominate but not a Dom. The other seemed more of a Dom but it was not at all what we had discussed. He did not push me in any way. Used cuffs for the first time and actually I slipped them 3 times and spent most of my time laughing. I desire to be pushed to the edge of what I can take and just beyond. I have never had an orgasm except by my own hand. I need and desire a man well experienced as a Dom who can take me in hand and take any power from me. I don't want to think- desperate to get out of my head. I have such an overwhelming kink need to please and no outlet for that. Any thoughts, tips, advice on how to go about this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Tracy

Answer
Hi Tracy, thank you for the question!

Slipping cuffs - You are an eel! (A term used in the bondage community for bottoms who just will not stay tied up. No matter how hard the top tries). My girl and I have turned this into a bit of a game "Oh yea get out of THAT"  Usually she can, will shake the ropes off, pick them up, hand them back to me with a smile and say "Daddy you need more practice." :)

Wanting to be pushed. What we do is based on negotiations and informed consent and on mutual trust. During these negotiations, there is the opportunity to talk about your expectations for your scene. You can, and should, also discuss limits (which you both will have) and an agreed upon exit strategy. Taking any power from you, when neither of you know your limits, is a bit difficult. Are you claustrophobic for example? Taking all power could result in a Dom putting a hood over you and enjoy your cries for help, except that he probably would have gagged you to keep you quiet. If you have negotiated this beforehand no problem. If you said instead "I give you myself without restriction, THEN you find out you are claustrophobic, not going to end well.

So you have a bit of an obligation to educate yourself about what's hot and what's not - to you. Many, (not sure perhaps most) Doms are nice guys and are looking for fun. Pushing a women kind of results in a feeling of wanting to keep checking in to see if you are OK. That is not a successful strategy to an intense scene. However, if you have negotiated an exit strategy "if I say Pink Elephant then you are to stop" allows the Dom to use their judgement because they "know" if you have had enough you can make it stop.

And until you have played with the same top long enough for trust to develop you really should have an exit strategy established; even though you want to work towards a relationship where that is never used.

Orgasm - we can condition ourselves to only climax under a certain set of conditions. Happens to men as well as women, and it's difficult to overcome. Sometimes we can be more fee when we are alone. Perhaps what you need is denial and anticipation. Meet in a casual environment, plan the scene together. Part for the evening with his voice in your ear telling you that you cannot touch yourself for pleasure. Anticipation makes for hot sex, and in hot sex you can become lost, and when lost you may find yourself.

Finding someone who can do this right - much more challenging; complicated by your being married so your time is not really your own. <sigh> been there, done that, and at least in my case the end was not pretty.

There is FetLife - easy to use a pseudonym. Interesting place but to be taken with some skepticism as there are "hyper doms" and "hyper submissives" so what you read can be more fantasy then reality.

Collar-me is another site. More suited for immediate gratification. For a small fee you can advertise yourself and what you are looking for. Can be very hot if you are looking for FWB.

I do personally know three couples that after between 15 and 20 years of being married, decided that the BDSM might be an answer in rekindling fires which had grown cold. In two of the cases I know that it was the wife which lead her husband. In on case into becoming a Master, and in the other to becoming her slave. This takes a lot of courage, to lead when you want to follow.

Thanks for the thought provoking question Tracy, please feel free to ask a follow-up if you feel that is appropriate.

BrianR

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.