BDSM/Puppy training resistance.
Hi Mr Rubel, firstly thank you (and the lovely Jen) for the time you spend in answering peoples questions, I haven't even asked you anything yet and I've already found some excellent advise from your previous answers!
So, I have just embarked on my first ever proper d/s relationship, we have been together for four months now. My partner identifies as puppy and I am a not quite but nearly Mistress. (I say this because even though I know I am dominant, I don't feel at the moment I have the expertise or experience to identify as Mistress). We are not new to the lifestyle, puppy has had a five year relationship with a Master and I have explored the scene through extensive reading, light play at parties and working for a while in sensual domination/massage. We have both always been naturally attracted to our roles.
My problem is this, well, puppies problem really.. After an explosive and exciting first month or so my puppies ardor has dimmed dramatically. Every attempt at making his tail wag has been met with blank resistance. I feel that the big issue is that puppy finds it hard to truly accept who he is. After the excitement of meeting each other and finding a companion who is compatible, sexually and otherwise he has clammed up, unwilling to expose his vulnerable self and instead resorting to behavior that can only be described as buttholery. From what I gather (we do communicate often and well) this behaviour pattern is one he has employed frequently with friends, family and especially his old Master.
On my part I have learned much from this experience. I know that in order to be a good Mistress I have to be worthy of worship. This means constantly searching within to find my true self and be at ease with it. It was difficult at first for me to go against the grain of the normal relationship construct and all that disney bullcrap us girls are spoonfed from the beginning, but I feel I have done well and I feel I'm ready to take the reins. Gosh darn it I am strong as ten bears and deserve to be adored!!! Also, I know that I need patience if I'm going to crack this egg, and luckily I have oodles of it.
So, in conclusion, do you have any suggestions for ways in which I can help the puppy find happiness in himself and with his perversions? Apologies for the long windedness of my question, it is good for me to vent through the medium of writing, it helps me think clearly.
Hi, Pussy Willow --
Thanks for recognizing Jen, too. She adds a tremendous amount to my life and to many of these answers.
Jay Wiseman author of : SM 101 - a realistic guide) once coined the phrase "the three-month crazies" to refer to the first months that two people becomes a couple. Everything is bright, fresh, and new. Each person overlooks some of the weaknesses or "faults" in the other. So, your description that the new relationship energy (NRE) has dimmed a little is completely understandable. Relationships are work and not everybody wants to do that work.
It can be very hard to maintain headspace, whether it is pup headspace, boy headspace, or Mistress headspace. You might consider using protocols to put boundaries around the times when pup is expected to remain in pup headspace.
For example, you might want pup in headspace from seven until nine at night. However, you might not want to call the boy who is sometimes "pup" by his legal name at other times, because that would invoke his "full/real" personality, and you may not like that aspect of him.
Here's how Jen and I work it. Although my legal name is Robert and people call me Bob, Jen calls me Alec unless she wants a strongly dominant Bob to show up. Said it differently, since Jen is my Domme she wants to interact with Alec who is not so forcefully dominant around her as Bob is. Just a thought...
So far as mastering your Mistress skills -- you might wish to check Amazon doing a search on the word "mistress". There are a number of good books including "The Mistress Manual". However for running the DS relationship book that I recommend is by Chris Lyon, and it is titled: Leading and Supportive Love: The truth behind dominant and submissive relationships. You can look it up on the Internet and buy it from her website. You can tell her I sent you; she helped to save my relationship with Jen at one point.
Your comment about your pup exhibiting "buttholery" behavior: it would seem to me that he has the choice of changing his behavior or not being in a relationship with you. Furthermore, the fact that this is an ongoing behavior pattern speaks for of his self-control. He sounds to me as though he is a person who needs to work on himself before he is a good candidate to be a partner to you or anyone else. If you are interested in recommending to him a book that is a step-by-step process for submissive men to prepare himself to be accepted by a dominant woman then that book is: How to Capture a Mistress by Karen Martin. She was my owner for 10 years.
You are completely correct about deserving the right to be adored. I think that the Chris Lyon book will give you some help in learning how to "steer" a relationship as a woman.
Hope this helps -- feel free to write back with further questions.
Best wishes in Leather,