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BDSM/Sub with Vanilla Partner

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Question
My ex-boyfriend of three years and I had an amazing dom/sub sex life, with me being the sub. However, my new boyfriend of only a month or so is pretty vanilla. I on the other hand love to be dominated. I've expressed my desires to him and he has no "problem' with them, and has even pulled my hair and spanked me a little. However, he seems uncomfortable when he holds me down, and upon discussion with him about my desires he says that he would just feel like he's acting. I want him to be able to choke me and be very rough with me etc. without him  feeling weird. I'm not sure what to do because I want to please him but I also want to be dominated more. I am asking so early in the relationship so this isn't a problem I just hope gets better or that I ignore. Other than this, sex with him is wonderful. Thank you for your attention to my concerns.

Answer
paige.

At times, it takes a while for a vanilla person in a new relationship to hash out the discrepancy between the "normal" relationship they assumed they'd have, with the kinky relationship that's evolving before their eyes. The idea that their new girlfriend is "into that kind of stuff" can be shocking at first, so you have to be understanding about that. This person may have a flood of questions but not know how to ask. There are many misconceptions of BDSM from every direction. The same trouble you're having adjusting to a more vanilla dynamic than you had before is virtually the same problem your new boyfriend is encountering, only in reverse. Both of you must communicate, dispel rumors and misinformation, work together, and be patient - if you are invested enough in this lifestyle to NEED it to continue. If not, have fun, pine for someone else, and then end the relationship when you find someone more suited to you. It's your decision, and it's early enough to make it without much consequence. So do it now.

Madame Rax.

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Madame Rax

Expertise

I am open and willing to answer any questions involving BDSM that do not specifically concern illegal acts involving children or non-consensual assault against an unwilling party.

Experience

I have had BDSM experience in a professional capacity since 2005. As far as personal, non-professional experience, I have always taken the lead in relationships, friendships, and other situational interactions. I prefer to "wear the pants" so to speak. However, this is not to say I wear the physical pants: I am mostly seen wearing skirts.

Organizations
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Publications
Excitedly, this will be my first foray into professional writing about BDSM, however my vanilla writings have appeared in several publications online. I am the former main web editor of a very popular DIY website, writing articles about electronics, repurposing, and sustainability.

Education/Credentials
I have participated in many educational workshops held by Pro-Dommes. I have also hosted a few workshops involving BDSM issues. I have done extensive research on D/s power dynamics and BDSM. As far as education, however, professional sessions and interactions with clients have provided most of my experience.

Past/Present Clients
I have a multitude of both. I specialize in clients with physical handicaps, rare kinks, edge play, LGBT lifestyles, and other underrepresented or marginalized groups.

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