You are here:

BDSM/I am a Sub with A Vanilla Partner

Advertisement


Question
My ex-boyfriend of three years and I had an amazing dom/sub sex life, with me being the sub. However, my new boyfriend of only a month or so is pretty vanilla. I on the other hand love to be dominated. I've expressed my desires to him and he has no "problem' with them, and has even pulled my hair and spanked me a little. However, he seems uncomfortable when he holds me down, and upon discussion with him about my desires he says that he would just feel like he's acting. I want him to be able to choke me and be very rough with me etc. without him  feeling weird. I'm not sure what to do because I want to please him but I also want to be dominated more. I am asking so early in the relationship so this isn't a problem I just hope gets better or that I ignore. Other than this, sex with him is wonderful. Thank you for your attention to my concerns.

Answer
Paige -

Yours is a fairly common problem, but that doesn't mean there is necessarily a simple solution.

As a starting point, my belief is that people can be "corrupted," but can't be "converted."  What that means is that people need to be true to themselves. I'm sure in your heart you agree that it would ultimately be unsatisfying to you, upsetting to him, and detrimental to the relationship for him to try and be something he isn't.

OK, with that disclaimer behind us, let's move on to trying to work through this.

There are many reasons why he may feel the way he does. Understanding what the issues are is central to figuring out whether and how the issue can be "solved."  

Recognize that society, religion, culture etc. provide inputs and training that place kinky sex outside the norm. We are taught to treat women as equals, never hit a girl, no means no, etc. those are all actually really good lessons. IF taken in context. What distinguishes what we do the expression of consent. You WANT rough sex.

And that's the starting point. Tell him that you enjoy when he is rough with you. Let him know how it makes you feel. Let him know that the two of you can negotiate boundaries of what is acceptable play (limits) and can take precautions so that you aren't intentional harmed (learning skills, using safe words, etc). Give him feedback. Let him know how it was arousing, cathartic, empowering, whatever. Later, thank him for satisfying your needs and making you feel so good. We want our partners happy. Let him know how happy this made you.

Next, take it slowly. Let him get comfortable with spanking you before moving on to edgier play. A lot of expiration can be done just by altering rhythmic patterns, intensity and location.

Talk to him. How does this make him feel? Does he enjoy it? Is he doing it only to make you feel good? Does he feel comfortable with it? Does he have sexual needs or fantasies that you can help fulfill?

Part of the challenge for you is deciding how important this is to you. Is it something you'd like to have, or something you need to be happy? This is important to know because he may grow to like and crave it......or he may never grow comfortable. Know in advance what your responsive will be of he gave it a shot and just can't go there.

All the best  

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.