BDSM/Additional Information on the Apology Thing
After sending my question i realized that i probably left out a lot: i just noticed a character limit and tried to keep it VERY short. Plus i don't want to waste your time. So here is a bulleted list, and i will of course supplement with anything else you need or want to know.
-We do see each other in person when we can, but it's usually only once a year d/t financial issues.
-This is a long-term relationship, and i plan on marrying Him. He of course has expressed the same. As soon as it can be afforded, we will be living in the same city and eventually in the same house (but not to start off with, that might be too much of a transition too soon)
-i offer the animals and girls to Him because it is new territory, and frankly i'm not very creative at doing things to myself. (To be fair, it's HE Who offered the girls to me since i proved unable to find any for myself...but they have to do certain things like cam/phone verify before He allows them to contact me)
-In that area, i have written on myself, i've squirted in my face/mouth (just have to put your shins on the floor next to your ears), i've dressed up/down and taken pictures (as mentioned)
-i've written extensively for Him on topics before, outlining what i did and why it was wrong and specific plans on my future behavior including steps to take to that end. i've also researched various topics on the Lifestyle and written about what i have learned as well as my opinions, citing my sources (for which i seek His Approval before using) and including dates along with my daily journals
-i've found pictures online, put them into Microsoft Word, set the picture in the background, and created cards for Him that way
-i've looked up songs and stuff that might fit a situation
It's all been done. When i'm with Him it is so much easier. It's not about His Forgiveness really: i already have it. It's knowing that He wants to see what i can come up with, and because He wants me to, i WANT to so badly...but i fear i'm just not.. i'm just not creative. So i go online and try to look up ideas...and then i spend two hours getting nowhere. And i get so pissed at myself.
i also worry that perhaps His expectations of creativity and what i have to offer may not match. This wouldn't be detrimental to our relationship, but it would be painful for me to accept. i want to please Him.
You can merge these or ignore one or whatever. i just thought maybe the first was too concise. If age counts, i'm 28 and He's 47. i'm female. He has roughly 30 years experience in the Lifestyle, and He tells me that He is so easy on me because He knows not even He could be harder on me than i am on myself, but that is no comfort to me when i see an opportunity to please Him and can't.
i'm so frustrated.
I don't use a punishment dynamic. My girl rarely disappoints me. When there is a problem, I talked to her about it, see what's behind it, and create a path for success. For those that do use a punishment dynamic, it is the Master/Dominant that decides the consequence.
No one else knows what your Master would find pleasing or sufficient, but you might want to talk with someone that utilizes punishments (or review/participate in discussions on FetLife related to punishment.
What I can offer is my observation that this "ritual" is something that's been used in your relationship to fuel a bond and the power structure. However, while it might still be pleasing to him, you note a growing frustration. That frustration seems to be something you need to share with him.
With that knowledge he might (or might not) decide to make changes. He could come up with a different structure - perhaps provide 10 options for punishment that you pick from a bowl. He could focus your energy on providing service to him - scheduling appointments, researching products, or other tasks. Or you could accelerate moving closer.
All the best,