QUESTION: I am a submissive female that is currently with a new Dominant. My Dom and I have previously talked about where the boundaries are in our intimate relationship as well as other aspects.
When the topic of debating/asking for something, my Dom said "My word is law" and not to press the topic. A big issue was emotional ties, since my Dom loves another woman that does not want to be with him.
We both clearly understand that we are not together to fall in love, nor are we lovers or boyfriend-girlfriend. We are Dom and sub, and friends outside of the bedroom setting. What shocked me is when he said, "As a Dom to his sub, I do love you." and asked me if I loved him as well.
I understand that a dom/sub love is different than a boyfriend/girlfriend love but I feel as though its turning into the latter. How do I ask him about the emotional boundaries again if he views asking questions a second time as aggravating, and is sensitive to anything concerning the other woman?
I greatly appreciate any help you may offer.
ANSWER: Sally - I'm not a fan of shutting down questions. For me, there is a difference between I make the final decision and I expect you to obey and support it, and I don't want your input and never ask for additional information.
You're right in the middle of the dilemma this approach creates. If you don't ask questions, you risk stepping on a landmine and exposing yourself. If you do ask questio a you're acting counter to his directive.
I suggest you present the dilemma to him and let him decide. Don't demand more information. Simply say: I want to answer your question about love. But in order to give you a complete and accurate answer I feel I have some questions I need to ask. But I know you don't like when I question you. I need your direction on how to proceed so I can best serve you.
As an aside, there is no "right" answer on love within a D/s relationship. Some are "in love;" others have a love that could be described as care and respect; and some see it akin to employer/employee without emotional bond.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for the advice.
I have another issue I would greatly appreciate advice for. My dom is very experienced, and has been in the BDSM world longer than I have. He has trained several women that wished to be subs, but has never had a sub that has had the previous experience I have.
I would like to start more intense BDSM with him, instead of the "introductory course" he usually does with new subs. I would like to start role playing, but since my past doms have been less than receptive to subs suggesting ideas, I am not sure how my dom will react to my input. How would I approach my Dom, seeing that he is very controlling when it comes to what we do in the bedroom situation?
Thank you again;
As a backdrop, being submissive does not mean you don't get to have your needs met. If it is a need, then you should be clear that it is something, within boundaries, you have to have.
Now I'm not suggesting a type of kinky play is a need. It mane a want. Of so, it isn't non-negotiable. But that doesn't mean you have to discard it. The key in my book is how you approach it. There's a big difference between "let's do super hero sex tonight" and "super hero sex is so ething I enjoy. I was wondering of we might explore at some point if its something that would please you?"