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BDSM/How do i fit in

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I read a short story a while ago on a girls introduction to the D/s lifestyle. I was rivetted and could not put it down, nor have I been able to stop thinking about it. I am trying to explore and research a little but am a unsure if I would ever fit in. While i wish to to be submissive in the bedroom, i am frightened of giving up control of the other areas of my life. So much so that i am a strong decision maker and wish to stay that way but I desire to be submissive in my intimate life. Is this ever normal/possible of a D/s relationship? I am 34 two kids and have a career.

Thank you for considering my question
curious and confused.

Answer
Paulina -

You're asking the right question. Or, more accurately, you're starting the process of self-discovery that can ultimately provide you the answer you're looking for (remember: there is no single right answer - but there is the right answer for you).

To begin, it's good to recognize that BDSM is a big umbrella that covers a lot of options - from people that enjoy occassional kinky sex to those that have intentionally and consensually highly structured, hierarchical power-based dynamics.

You can start the process by considering:

1. What is it that draws you to the lifestyle?
2.  Is this a divergence to "spice things up" or a foundational feature of your life and relationships?
3. If you're open to transferring authority, is it limited by time (weekends only?), space (just the bedroom?), or scope (not my job?)?
4. Do you want a relationship, or is it casual play?
5. Is there "love" or is it focused on something else?
6. What attributes, characteristics, experiences and values do you want in a partner?

You state that you're reluctant to give up control outside the bedroom - in part because you're a strong decision maker. That's a perfectly valid position. But be aware that there are many slaves that have ceded total control that are strong, competent, successful individuals.

My strongest advice: get out in your local community and meet people. Attend classes, munches, workshops, meetings and events. Try different subsets- from rope sluts to master/slave groups. See what is out there and what resonates in your soul

All the best on your journey

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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