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Question
I was in a relationship that has morphed many times from  face to face, to long distance with the occasional visit, to online, from vanilla to D/s and back again, for the last eight years with the same Dom. A few months ago our relationship ended, and after I almost fell to pieces I realized that I needed a Dom in my life.

I took to fetlife in order to find one, and after one awful experience came across someone a good Dom in person, but due to circumstances he served me better as a mentor.

Due to my circumstance I sought an online Dom only. A few weeks ago I was happy to finally come across a long distance Dom that I've connected with deeply. Now we have planned to meet in r/l after six months of an online D/s relationship.

In order to help ensure my decision to submit to him could not be attributed to sub frenzy we decided to spend three weeks getting to know each other more before any orders or tasks were given.

I am excited to say our three weeks has almost come to an end, and I can't wait to be owned by him.

We have two complications,one a bit larger than the other. The first, he has only been a Dominant to r/l submissives, and I am unsure how to guided him in being an online Dominant while still being submissive. I don't want to risk topping from the bottom. Do you know of any readings, websites, links, or suggestions that could help?

Secondly, we would like to somehow commemorate and signify our commitment to this new relationship. The research that I have done only refers to collaring ceremonies. Neither of us feel that we are at a point in our relationship to have a collaring ceremony (although I look forward to us getting there). Is there anything in between? Have you heard of what others in l/d relationships have done to signify the beginning stages of a D/s relationship?

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

Answer
Hi, Sam --

First off, congratulations on beginning this new phase of your life!!  I certainly understand how exciting this is for you. (I'm going through something similar myself, as it happens!!)

To your first question: How to help him learn to be your dominant online without topping from the bottom...

Well, I have no experience with that, but I'd offer a few comments.

1) To the extent possible, treat the experience as though you lived together but you are away on a trip and he has to maintain the relationship while you are away.  So: develop some protocols that reinforce his dominance and your submission.  He might give you small daily tasks that you can easily accomplish that reinforces what a good submissive you are -- nurturing -- nothing at which you would fail.

2) Both of you read the book: "Leading and Supportive Love: The truth about dominant and submissive relationships" by Chris Lyon

3) Other good books:
a) The Control Book by Peter Masters (One of my favorite books: it’s about the fine art of taking control of your partner – the processes involved, using control, ensuring that you have control, and – importantly – about giving control back once you are done with it. To his vast credit, Masters also discusses how to fix a situation if it goes psychologically wrong.)

b) Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella (A “must read” before you start a D/s relationship.  It addresses the question: “Is it possible to form lasting, healthy, loving relationships that are based on power, control and pain?)

c) The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella (Another “must read” – particularly if you’re starting down the “Master/slave” path.)

d) Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert J Rubel (This will provide your best opportunity to get an overall understanding of Master/slave relationships – especially about things to think about before starting one and techniques for maintaining such a structure once you’re in one.)

e) Real Service by Raven Kaldera with Joshua Tenpenny (A “must read” if you’re thinking of preparing a manual of protocols for your slave.)

+++++

Commemorating your new relationship:  You guys are going to have to make this one up on your own, I think.  You might look into things like "handfasting" ceremonies (I think that's what they're called) or such.  Not in my area of knowledge, I'm afraid.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes to you both,

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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