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BDSM/My wife is starting her first D/s relationship, need suggestions for dealing with the usual feelings.

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Question
Hi,

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years and she recently told me that she wanted to explore being a sub, but not with me.  I can understand that part, because I wouldn't make a good Dom.  :)  Plus, it's something that she needs to get from someone other than me, as she says this will help her appreciate how nice I am.  To be fair, it can be kind of hard to be with me because I am tremendously emotional and she is thinking that one of the benefits of being a sub will be an appreciation for that part of our marriage, instead of it being a completely draining thing for her.

She has found someone and has been spending time getting to know him, to build up trust.  I think this is great, even if I get jealous that she spends a lot of time interacting with him.  Loads of texts and things that happen when we are together.  

That part I can handle.  The thing that I'm really struggling with is the possibility of sexual contact with another man.  She has assured me that, to her, sex is just sex and not emotional at all (and that is something we have talked about long before she expressed an interest in being a sub).  However, I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around her allowing another man into that space.  I should say, potentially into that space, because we have decided that I don't need to know anything about the specifics of a scene.  Furthermore, there's no guarantee that there will even be sexual contact.  I know she gets to define some parameters of the relationship and can stop the scene at any point, so I do trust that she wouldn't do something she wasn't OK with.  She says that she needs to keep the details to herself because talking about them with me will lessen the benefit she receives from it.  That part I'm OK with.  

So, I'm having the usual feelings of jealousy, rejection, fear.  Mostly rejection and fear.  However, I *really* do want to let her try this out because I love her and it's important to her.  Our sex life has always been pretty good and recently it's become amazing - the best it's ever been.  I'm afraid that after she starts being a sub that this will change for the worse in some way.  Of course, it could stay amazing or even get better, but it's a risk on my part, as I'm sure you would agree.

Part of me wants to know what the details are and this same part of me wants to meet the guy (which she has offered) and I'm afraid that knowing these things (or meeting the guy) will just freak me out even more.  Not because of the details of the scene, let's say - because taking my wife out of the equation, it all sounds kind of hot and exciting.

Maybe I should meet the guy.  Or at least talk with him.  I wonder he would give me reassurances that my wife can't (because she's not the Dom).  I dunno.  Really confused.  Really scared.  Really in love with my wife.  Really sort of turned on thinking about her in a scene.  Really afraid of losing her.

This feels like an instance of "if you love something, set it free."  I've never, ever, been controlling of her, mind.

Any insight you could offer would be really appreciated.  

Thanks,
Thomas

Answer
Thomas,

Sorry I was just informed of having your question, so I am going to try to help you if I can.

From what I can gather you would like to know what you should do when it comes to your wife, and her involvement with BDSM.. Should you meet the man she is getting involved with or not, and how to deal with the feelings of rejections and fear.

First off, you need to keep talking to your wife about how you are feeling, when you have the hardest moments, and how she can as your wife/lover help you through these times.. I would suggest these talks not happen as soon as she returns from whomever she is meeting, but wait a day or so and give her time to get her headspace back. Any kind of scene with BDSM can cause what we call sub space, and this is like being high or drunk.. You really do not want to start any kind of conversation with someone when they are in that kind of state.

As for if you should met the man she will be playing with. Personal I would say yes, this way it's not just your wife whom is telling you what will or won't happen and you can express your concerns to him as well, and you can have his word about what the relationship will involve.. Any good Dom will be more than happy to meet with you and offer you his word on what he will and will not do.

Now taking your wife out of the picture, your comment about how it is hot, I think you might want to consider finding a mentor in your community who can help you understand more about the lifestyle, and what you might be able to actually do for your wife both in and out of the bedroom.. You said you have never control her so someone who is experienced might be able to help you build your ability so that what it is your wife is missing you can provide. Granted this will take time, and during this time, you can also start to read books so you can get a better understanding in what all this is about.. I suggest the following books.

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle  by Jack Rinella and Joseph W. Bean

Screw the roses, send me the thorns

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame

All these books can be found on Amazon, and normally you can get them used for a little less if you aren't sure you wish to buy new.

I think once you start to see what it can do for you and your wife, and mostly your marriage, I think you might start to get involved with her.. If this happens if you have met the man she is submitting to, maybe once you learned what it is she enjoys and know  how to give it to her, then he and you both can work together in having her come to you for the meeting of those needs, and less going to him.. Although in the mean time, simply talk to her and be honest and open with her. She loves you enough to come to you and tell you she would like to do this, give her the same in return and just let her know how it makes you feel, both good and bad..

Good luck

Lady Aryana

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Lady Aryana

Expertise

Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Victorian Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Web pages and site for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either D/s or Mistress/slave, or simply learning more in order to help others. I am always reading, either on the net or books.

Experience

I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment. I just moved to Indina with in the last year. I can be found on Fetlife.com as LadyAryana. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me. Slowing I am returning to being active in the community here in Indiana. In the past I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 20+ yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I am semi active in Indiana since moving here, I attend munches and demo's / play parties GRALE, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and and Gorean, I understand that training varies in each relationship so you adjust to what it is you do for the relationship you are in. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

Past/Present Clients
Master, slave, submissive, Tops, and Bottoms. Along with those who simply wanted to learn how to be kinky in the bedroom

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