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Question
Hi,
I've been in a 16 year relationship with my partner. We are currently living together and paying a mortgage on our apartment. We have a 2 year old son.
We have recently discovered BDSM together, and so far we haven't got into really heavy stuff.
The thing is that before we discovered the world of Kink, he cheated on me a few times. I am and have always been the only woman he's ever been with. I love him, so I forgave him, hard as it was.
Now, we are both on fetlife to learn and discover. The thing is I recently saw messages on his phone from a sub who wanted him to be his daddy. I talked to him about it and he told me he was just curious, he was controlling it and I told him I considered it cheating. According to him, he cut it off, the sub has blocked him (and me) on fetlife, and he has deleted her number from his phone.
And now, just recently he has been having conversations with me and other people saying that both him and I have different interests, but he thinks he will never be able to fully satisfy them with me because he want a sub.
I am a very strong willed person. I like what I like, and I will do some things I like less for him, but I will never be a full submissive, because that is not what I am. I consider myself a bottom. He says that is selfish, to only want what I want and he feels like a "sex slave" where he can only do what I like.
To the point. I love him. He is my life, but I am beginning to wonder if I should give up on this relationship and be alone with my son, or let him go off with someone who will satisfy what I can't for him or what... I am in a horrible state and don't really know what to do with my life right now.
Thank you so much for any advice you can give me.

Answer
Patrica,

Your not going to like what I have to say, but really it comes down to this.. He will leave you no matter what you do or don't do if he has already decided it is what he wants.. So you need to decide what is it YOU want for yourself and your son, and yes your partner..

Being submissive doesn't mean you need to be weak, it means you love your partner enough to allow him to do things to you that you may or may not enjoy.. You can do these things for him, and in the end he will do the things you enjoy as well at that time or at a later time.. It is a compromise with each other.. You do not give up the things you enjoy you simply add the things he enjoys as well.

You need to stop and remember this is about doing things for each other, that is outside of the box, not what society feels we need to do or not do.. If you can get ahold of a copy, read the book Love Times Three - Our True Story Of A Polygamous Marriage! Taking away the religious side of the relationship it can offer wonderful advice on relationships without the BDSM.. Now if you are worried about the sex, you do understand he can find a female submissive whom he will not have sex with, whom will do the things you won't do.. I can not say you Can't cause you can, you simply *at least from what I understand* won't do.

Now it also comes down to if you love him allow him to do what he wants, and allow him to do it with your consent, and not behind your back.. Cheating is doing these things behind your back, and open communication between the two of you and what needs you have, and what needs he has, if you want him to be happy why won't you allow him to do these things, knowing in the end, he loves you enough to come home to you and be with you in the end...

So really I would suggest you speak with others, and talk to them about the things you won't do.. Once you get to talking to others you can decide what you need or want.. But whatever you do, talk to your partner, and make sure both of you are communicating about the same wants, and needs of the whole relationship.

Lady Ayana  

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Lady Aryana

Expertise

Fem Dom relationships, Male Dom/fem slave, Master/slave relationships M/f, F/f, Long Distance relationships, Leather community, Victorian Lifestyle, BDSM play, Community support, Full time slavery and submission *living together, and how to adjust, protocols, and so forth. Web pages and site for help with finding others in your area. HOH or DD relationships. D/s has always been a part of me I am still active in looking for a relationship either D/s or Mistress/slave, or simply learning more in order to help others. I am always reading, either on the net or books.

Experience

I have been in long distance relationship that were D/s relationships. I have owned both male and female slaves/submissive, I have been both a real time slave, submissive, and submissive wife. I am not in a committed relationship at the moment. I just moved to Indina with in the last year. I can be found on Fetlife.com as LadyAryana. I am not collared, and I still am always on the look for others to play with around me. Slowing I am returning to being active in the community here in Indiana. In the past I have been active in the BDSM community and a DM for play parties. I have been active for the last 20+ yrs in BDSM in one way or another

Organizations
I was active in the GA community when I lived there. I am semi active in Indiana since moving here, I attend munches and demo's / play parties GRALE, Belong to PEP, and other BDSM clubs over the yrs.

Publications
Egroups, Blogs, Journals, And some story writings.

Education/Credentials
Have taken work shops for different BDSM events. Attended SELF given demo's, Been a DM for play parties and private and public clubs. Attending gathering of both D/s, Spanking lifestyles. I have been active in HOH and DD relationships. I was active in the leather community while living in GA. I was trained Victorian and and Gorean, I understand that training varies in each relationship so you adjust to what it is you do for the relationship you are in. I have trained both Master's and Mistress' along with slaves in the yrs I have been in BDSM.

Past/Present Clients
Master, slave, submissive, Tops, and Bottoms. Along with those who simply wanted to learn how to be kinky in the bedroom

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