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BDSM/Controlling a vanilla girl

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Question
Hello,

I am a 30 year old male, living in Spain, I have been in the lifestyle for about 6 years. I am the dom type, but I haven't been with anyone for the last year, I just couldn't find anybody I really like. But not long ago I met this girl. She's quite younger than me but she really likes me, that's obvious, and I like her. The thing is, she's as vanilla as can be. At first we were just normally communicating, the things rolled on, but I haven't told her about my lifestyle. I'm sure that if she finds out, she will take me for a freak and leave me. But I just can't hold my nature, I have already started to control her over small things, even when it's clear she's not very satisfied with that. BUT she never complains. Never fights back. It seems that she has submissive nature, but still is a complete vanilla. I don't really know what to do. I can't stop controlling her, but I wouldn't tell her what I really want, because she would leave me right away and now she probably things that's just some of my personal traits.. I'm not sure how I should act. Any suggestions?

Thanks very much

Answer
Rasamundo -

Where do you want the relationship to go and how important are your dominant needs? Answer those two questions and your path becomes clear.

The reality is you can "corrupt" someone that has a latent interest but you can't "convert" someone. So, if she really is vanilla, then she isn't going to become submissive.

Put differently, two key components of a success in this lifestyle are transparency and consent. Right now you don't have either.

So your options are:

1. Come clean, with examples of what you've already done, and hope she doesn't run away
2. Put away your Dominant desires, completely and without regret, and pursue a vanilla relationship
3. Continue as you have been knowing that the inevitable train wreck is coming

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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