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QUESTION: I am a novice I just entered into a mistress/slave relationship my mistress is 15 years younger than I am she has trained five slaves in her life I Will be her first live-in slave I'm moving in with her November 1. I have never been involved in the BDSM lifestyle but I am at a point in my life or nothing else has worked so I've decided to become a slave.

My question is my mistress has given me to test so far and I've not done very well on them her one part of her task is to write down how I would worship her the other part if you write down how I would serve her the serve part i've got my problem lies with the worship part and she told me I had to find out by any means before she test me again tomorrow and I'm wanting to impress her by giving her an answer that is closer than what I've been coming up with which is not very much. Thank you for any help you can give me in this matter again I am a novice and for the past two weeks I've been corresponding with my new mistress and in less than a week I move in with her full-time but I need to pass her little test either her assignments and so far I'm only getting about a 70 to 72% grade.

ANSWER: Well...

Hello, Kenny -- I'm not sure this will help or not.

I am 70 years old.

I'm the author of a four-book set on Master/slave relations.  I lecture about this all over the world. I am at this moment sitting on the floor in Los Angeles International Airport near my gate.  It is 7:30 on a Sunday night. I have spent the entire weekend in Las Vegas lecturing about Master/slave relationships. An hour on Friday night, six hours of lecture time both on Saturday and on Sunday.

I have lived in a 24/7 Master/slave structures since I was 57. This is a very poorly understood relationship dynamic and it is the most cerebral form of relationship known to man.  If you you have not been successful in other relationships, I can't imagine how you'll survive a week.  This is a separate culture from mainstream society. Very different rules and expectations.

I have nothing very hopeful to offer you. Your letter screams of abuse -- financial and/or emotional.  You are a novice. You've read nothing. You're connecting with a young woman who probably is tantalizing you with sex in exchange for being supported.  You won't get the sex. She will always keep it away from you. I don't know you; I don't know her: what you are describing is not part of the Master/slave culture as practiced by those of us who live it.

The very fact that she will accept a novice is prima facia proof that this is a financial trap. Have you spoken with her former slaves? She won't let you. Will she let you tell your loved ones where you'll be? Will she let you maintain prior friendships or are you rather friendless -- so she's unlikely to get caught?

In the unlikely event that I'm dead wrong about all this and that you have, miraculously, found an experienced Domme who has recognized the diamond in you, the answers she is looking for are:
1) that you will worship her as she instructs you to and
2) that you will serve her with the knowledge that "service" is not service unless Master/Mistress wishes it.

If you wish to begin reading about this world, you should start with the book: "How to Capture a Mistress" written by my former Owner, Karen Martin. If you wish to begin finding like-minded people, you will join www.FetLife.com  It is free. If you take that step, I am Dr_Bob and I welcome you to send me a friend request.  If you actually want a reading list, please send me a note to: PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and in the subject line put: Reading List.

Truly, I wish you well and hope that you can find some peace in life with a partner who loves you and whom you can worship. If I can be of further help, please contact me. If you find yourself truly at risk, I probably know people anywhere in the US who can take you in and shelter you in an emergency. Contact me.

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First thank you Bob, I don't know if your right or not but after two failed marriages I have nothing to lose I have been reading I bought a book online called Becoming a slave by Jack Rinella it has really opened my eyes into your world. I will do as you have suggested and join that website but because the first is so close I'm still going to go ahead and go meet her. I'm hoping that my heart is correct and she is what she said she is. And you are correct also her slaves are never allowed to meet. That did not bother me at first because I know that some people like to keep this stuff in the closet me I don't care anymore if she planning on taking advantage of me then she will be the last one. You were right I got a life long series of abuse from an early age to now I am a little bit younger than you and I am only 45 November 2 is my birthday and if I find out that this is what you're afraid of then it may be my last birthday. This is my last chance and I happy life I have read a little into this lifestyle and it does intrigue me. I think the thought of not having to make any more decisions it's what stearing me this way. Her biggest rule is discretion I'm not allowed to tell anybody what I'm doing where I'm going is not a problem but you're right I have no friends well one but that's because I find friends tend to hurt you more than your enemies. Again thank you Bob I appreciate your help that you've left me with more question and I started with.

Answer
Now you have alarmed me even more. Before I drop some material in here, I'll say that Jack Rinella is a friend of mine -- we're both on the national lecture circuit for Master/slave topics and we have about the same number of books in print. He is very good. I have just completed a book that is currently being laid out for printing.  I've cut-and-pasted the portion on "red flags" for you to look over.  Even before you start on that, you should know that slaves are not submissives: that is a common misconception made by vanillas.  The Master/slave dynamic is describing roles of leader and follower: by the time you get to the M/s level, the Master wants a kick-ass dominant who will take the initiative to serve Master. The last thing in the world a Master wants is to have to lead someone else's life for them. The standard "first question" that a Master asks a petitioning slave is: "What do you bring to the table? Why should I invest my time in you?"  Truly, you are describing a setup that fits a predator.  

Here are the warning signs:
Categorized list of potentially alarming behaviors
As I was researching red flag behaviors I ran across an exceptional blog by a woman named Epiphany. She said that Saikiji Kitalpha from Second Life was the author and that, in the original posting, Saikiji had said that anyone could reproduce it, but please give her the credit. Saikiji, you did a great job! (What follows is only slightly edited.)

Before you start reading these lists, please recognize that while you may find some of these behaviors in most people, you won’t find clusters of them in people who are psychologically and emotionally safe and stable. If you find yourself saying, “Gosh, these really fit X,” then you may wish to take a step even farther back from X and ask yourself if this is really a person who fits well into your own life.

A caution: Not all of us are born with neuro-typical brain wiring. A substantial (and apparently growing) number of us (myself included) fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum and exhibit certain unusual social behaviors. You might wish to familiarize yourself with Autism Spectrum Disorder traits, as many of us exhibit social oddness that can be off-putting at best and alarming at worst. But that’s different than being dangerous for you, and that’s what this section is about.

Tries to isolate you:
•   Tries to limit your access to others in your life: friends, family, and BDSM community.
•   Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities.
•   Is negative and unsupportive of your other (established) relationships.
•   Monitors your communications (e-mails, phone calls, chats).
•   May want you to quit your job or give up your car or telephone or control your finances.
•   Monitors your activities, demands to know where you’ve been and who you’ve been with—often in an accusatory manner.
•   Habitually calls and/or visits unexpectedly.
•   Refuses to allow you a safe-call (discussed in depth in Chapter 4).
•   Becomes angry if you question them or show signs of independence or strength.

Is deceptive:
•   Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about themselves.
•   Refuses to give their marital status when asked before a first meeting.
•   Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves or past events.
•   Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them and gets angry if you try to make contact outside of those conditions.
•   Does not give you their home or work phone numbers at the appropriate time.
•   Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
•   Cheats on you.
•   Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
•   Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
•   Is evasive about their activities, especially unexplained absences.
•   Primarily interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner, as if role-playing.
•   Will not have normal, everyday vanilla conversations.

Behaves oddly:
•   Your friends warn you against the person.
•   Is critical of the public BDSM community and will not participate in BDSM clubs/munches/parties.
•   Is critical of many respected members of the BDSM community and has interpersonal conflicts with other BDSMers.
•   Has no apparent BDSM references or friends you can talk to and becomes angry, changes the topic, answers questions with questions, or ends the conversation when you ask personal questions or ask for references.
•   May give you (made up) names of “friends,” but you can’t verify that they even exist.
•   Has bad or no relationship with their biological family.

Seems insecure:
•   Often exaggerates.
•   Deflects blame to others for things going wrong and resorts to extreme measures to prove that they, themselves, are not at fault.
•   Does not take personal responsibility when things go badly; they will not acknowledge their own mistakes.
•   Their apologies feel insincere, phony, or are insulting.
•   Puts you down in front of others.
•   Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
•   Brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, or training.
•   Engages in scene name-dropping.
•   Avoids discussing what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
•   Seems not to reveal their emotional side, hides their vulnerabilities or behaves in an emotionless manner.
•   Hides behind their D/s authority, demands that their authority not be questioned.

Is disrespectful:
•   Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
•   Is rude to public servers such as waitresses, cashiers, and janitors.
•   Displays little concern or awareness of the feelings or needs of others.
•   Never or seldom says “thank you,” “excuse me,” or “I am sorry” to anyone.
•   Exhibits obvious and excessive displays of impatience.
•   Believe that they deserve some particular reward or benefit even at the expense of others.

Is manipulative:
•   Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough.
•   Says that you are not a true sub/slave/Dom.
•   Belittles your ideas.
•   Blames you for their own hurt feelings and anger outbursts.
•   Blames you for all relationship problems.
•   Yells or threatens to withdraw their love or leave you if you do not do as they wish.

Is inconsistent:
•   Does not keep their word; breaks promises.
•   Makes plans with you, then makes excuses for changing those plans.
•   Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
•   Goes through extreme highs (behaving with great kindness) and pronounced lows (behaving with cruelty), almost as though they are two distinctly different people.

Is domineering:
•   Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
•   Does not respect your limits, negotiations, or contracts.
•   Pushes you too quickly into a D/s or M/s or polyamorous relationship.
•   Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
•   Overly demanding of your time; must be the center of your attention.
•   Insists safewords or safe-calls are not necessary.

Is intemperate:
•   Conspicuous consumption: spends money largely and inappropriately on luxury items.
•   Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
•   Gambles excessively.
•   Constantly asks for money or material goods from you or others.
•   Falls in love with you way too fast; swears undying love before even meeting you.
•   Begins saying things like, “I can’t live without you,” or “Do what you want with me,” or “I don’t have any limits.”
•   Deliberately says or does things that result in getting themselves hurt.

Is temperamental:
•   Loses control of their emotions in arguments. Raises their voice, yells, calls you names, blames you for things they did.
•   Uses force or violence to solve problems.
•   Punches walls or throws things when upset.
•   Turns on their peers, going quickly from best friend to arch enemy, often for trivial or imagined reasons.
•   Speaks badly of others, particularly of people with whom they once were good friends.
•   Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told no.
•   Holds excessive grudges against others and goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
•   Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
•   Hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life.

Has certain established behaviors:
•   They, themselves, were victims of abuse. (Their abuse may be a learned behavior.)
•   May exhibit cruel behavior towards animals.
•   Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but claims the partner made them do it.

Quite a list, but please remember that many of these traits are normal or standard behavior for people; it is the cluster of several of these that build into red flags.

This point brings us neatly to the next section.

Don’t get involved with someone who wants to break you
Occasionally, someone asks me how to psychologically break down a submissive in order to build the person back up in ways they wish. Every so often—particularly on the less-sophisticated Internet hookup sites—you’ll find ads for people seeking to be “broken.” I strongly suspect that most of these people are living in the Internet world of fantasy-BDSM, but who knows? Perhaps they’ve just seen movies (such as The Pet) and/or read fiction about using physical force and terror to strip a person’s ego-defenses in order to retrain them to behave and react exactly as the trainer wishes them to.

Couple of things. First, psychological brainwashing is, by definition, non-consensual. Second, even if they were a licensed and credentialed psychologist or psychiatrist, it is unethical to break someone like that. Those professions are for healing, not molding someone to their own will.

Please be clear: the way I’m using the word breaking in a BDSM training context is different than behavior modification as psychologists mean it. As few people know much about psychology, many new Tops and bottoms ask these kinds of breaking questions because it’s part of the stereotype that BDSM is about breaking someone’s spirit/will, presumably based on the other stereotype that BDSM is about pain and punishment.

Someone who is considering engaging in an unsafe non-consensual activity with another person either:
•   realizes the risks and is willing to proceed anyway (suggesting sadistic behavior that may turn out to include criminal intent), or
•   does not understand or appreciate what they are contemplating, and thus has an altered sense of reality—a classic definition of insanity.

NOTE: It may be hard to tell that someone has an altered sense of reality, particularly if they are well-versed in the jargon of our culture. Again—caution is the byword.

+++++++++

Now: it is now 11:33 in Los Angeles. I'm going to be boarding in about 15 minutes. I have the red-eye into Dallas. I land at 5am and will be in my office around 10. If there is anything at all that I can do for you, please let me know.  You already have my private email address, so you can reach me privately.

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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