You are here:

BDSM/Disobedient or disrespectful?

Advertisement


Question
Hi Ziggy,

I've been in an off and on relationship with a male since March. Neither one of us openly admitted to any bdsm interest, it just sortof happened. I feel that he and I are both switches, which is confusing, to say the least. He is a bit of a smart mouth and I have not been intimidated by him which seems to be against his goal. In bed on our first night together, he called me a whore, I liked it. A few months later, he asked me to spit in his mouth. This continued for a few hours. Then, he asked for me to slap him. I obliged. I enjoy these things and have never done them  with anyone else. Finally, he asked that I punch him in the face. I wouldn't do it.

He has not openly asked to be dominated: "I want you to be my mistress." I naturally assumed this play was allocated only to the bedroom, but he has already disappointed me and broken trust but I feel he has done this in order to incur more abuse.

I have feelings for him, maybe because I finally felt sexually compatible with someone, finally! I gave him another chance. He broke trust again.

Now, after this has occurred I feel that some of the failure might have been that I didn't recognize what needed to happen which was establishing clear boundaries in a sub/domme agreement, albeit an informal one.

I'm not sure. I believe this fella is out of control and is disobedient and I didn't recognize that what he needed, maybe, was a firmer hand. I've never been a domme but I keep coming across these men that seem to almost scream that is what they need. But they never come out and openly say this. But I feel they are needing some feeling of safety by having a partner that wont tolerate their brattishness.

The current guy has an alcohol abuse issue and I think that may keep him from being a good sub, or would it be a failure of being a good domme to be unable to reign him in?  If I were to become his domme, I would want to give him rules that are for his own benefit and wellbeing.

It appeared that his purposeful violation of my trust was an attempt to get psychological punishment. He wants abuse, I've seen him do this with other women over and over.

Or am I blurring the lines between bdsm and emotional abuse in thinking he needed one thing when in truth he's just a jerk? Once he was antagonizing me in an attempt to get me to slap him. He said, "just think of all the reasons why you're mad at me." I replied that I wasn't mad at him, I knew his acting out was rooted in something else. And I also knew instinctively that aggression/anger and resentment and sex play shouldn't be combined. Isn't that right?

At one point I jokingly said that he should quit his job as a policeman, come live in my house and run my errands- that I would take care of him. I was joking, so I thought, but I actually liked the thought of it.

I am out of my element here. Do I need some sort of training to be a good mistress/domme (I'm not sure what to call it)? Did I fail to reign him in or are we just two miserable cunts locked in an emotionally abusive situation?

I enjoyed the banter, his defiance and our sex life. It was nice and I will miss it. I'm not sure what steps to take next.

I appreciate your time and thoughtful response.

Answer
Greetings JR

Thank you for the note. I hope this email finds you well and in good spirits..

It is very natural to experiment and of course sometimes its trial and error. I think a lot of it is being able to connect with how we feel about certain activities and positions of authority and then finding the words to express that to our partners. This can be a huge challenges because its not like we grow up knowing this language.

One thing i have learned over the years ( through a few mistakes of my own) is that successful D/s means that both partners have to be able to communicate openly about what their needs are. I say this because there is potential for unhealthy manipulation; thus no one gets their needs met. At least not in a way thats fulfilling long term. The other thing i learned early on, is that these relationships are power exchanges not power struggles. Its fun to play captive or resist for the sense of SM PLAY but Dominance and submission requires both to agree to their roles.  Submissives who use subversive behaviors to get what they need or work out some deep psychological issues with regards to pain and humiliation tend to erode trust. Trust is essential to the foundation of any power dynamic relationship and manipulation  is a violation of that trust.

In addition, these relationships are consensual in nature, not just for the submissive but also for the dominant as well. Putting you in a position to responding out of anger only puts him in the power position and not you. This means that you are acting is ways you did not consent to. There are all kinds of relationship dynamics out there, but one thing is clear BOTH have to talk openly and agree to the activities involved in your unique form of play,. Neither should be forced to act in ways that are psychologically or physically damaging.

I acknowledge that for a lot of men submission is hard for them and talking about it is even harder. Culturally we still see men as being the more naturally dominant in the relationships. Therefore, for many men there is a good deal of shame involved in asking for what they need with regards to power and control from their female partners. None the less, open honest communication and a whole lot of courage is required. This ensures your safety (physical and emotional) as well as his. This also helps with developing a fulfilling connection.

I will share with you , that as a Mistress constantly having to "reign him in" will get old very quickly. The Dommes role is to develop expectations of their subs (male or female) Communicate those expectations clearly and it is the subs job to follow them. I don't believe you should have to be "on" all the time especially if we agree these are consensual relationships. The important thing is for you to remember that developing yourself as a Mistress begins with what you know about yourself, then what you learn about being a Mistress and then what you learn about your particular sub. For example: there are some very skilled Mistresses who are not overtly dominant but their submissive knows what she expects and he or she does it with out a lot of resistances. While other Mistresses are more overt in their dominance because its in their nature to be so. Finding the kind of Mistress you are will take a little time but please dont allow yourself to be forced into being a different kind of Mistress than what feels right to you.

From your note you are dead on about play and sex being separate from anger and resentment ..Again manipulation only breeds resentment and potentially creates an unhealthy dynamic for both of you.

As for training? Start with what you know about yourself and what you want. There is a lot of information out there ( fetlife.com) But the best source of learning comes from connecting with real time folks. There are groups that provide social interactions as well as education, Female dominant groups, Events, Conferences ( yes i did say conferences) All provide opportunities to meet and connect with others who seek to develop either their dominance or their submission and will help you do the same.  I often tell people to google their town or a larger city near along with "BDSM" and that should reveal a list of groups.. However,  these days the Fetlife.com seems to be the social media site for D/s and BDSM There you can read and search for groups in your area..Most of all if your instincts are telling you something about your relationship... PAY ATTENTION... a woman's intuition is a skill she should never negate.

Lastly Ma'am, There is a whole BDSM D/s and M/s world out there with people that are up front and honest. There are male submissives who are actually able to talk about their need and desire to surrender and are willing to negotiate what they need with a compatible Mistress. Healthy relationships can be found in BDSM but it must begin with our ability to communicate openly and honestly, and steer clear of manipulation.


I hope that i have offered you some insights to your questions.. You are on the right track with what you are thinking. I wish you the very best of luck in what you seek..

warmest regards
slave ziggy

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


ziggy ziegler

Expertise

I am available to answer questions pertaining to the Master slave dynamic. The slaves journey into submission, mentorship, service,leather lifestyle, household management, and training. My life's focus is assisting individuals to realized their fullest potential through self awareness.

Experience

I am a 51 year old female slave who has been part of the BDSM/M/s lifestyle since 1983. I have had the distinct privilege of sharing my perspective on the M/s dynamic throughout the US and Canada. I am the owner and producer of ABR Events an authority based relationship organization that provides quality education concerning power dynamic relationships of all kinds, including that of M/s. It is also a honor and privilege to be owned property for the past 13 years. I bring to the table no only my concepts on mastery and slavery but also real time experience.

Organizations
TES MAST ROCHESTER NY (Director) MAsT national ABR Events ( Owner/producer)

Publications
Slave quarters: "The mind body spirit of consensual slavery" Art of slavery Tryscilian society

Education/Credentials
Aside from learning from lifes experiences i have a BA in psychology and a masters in socialogy. i have studied gender and human sexuality in an ever changing world.

Awards and Honors
Southeast slave 2006 International slave 2006

Past/Present Clients
Masters and slaves

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.