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BDSM/Domming for a friend while in a relationship

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Question
I've been in a relationship with my SO for 5 years now and we've slowly but surely gotten more comfortable with each other to start really exploring our sexuality. I'm afraid to ask too much too fast, or go overboard, so I often end up talking about my fantasies with a friend of mine who shares a common interest in bondage.

My friend has asked me to be their dom, which would scratch the itch we aren't able to get out of our respective SO's (because of different preferences) I'm very on edge about it all, because while my friend has been in semi-polygamy relationships like this before for the sake of fetish; I haven't at all.

I know that above all we should both be asking our SO's for permission to do this, but I have absolutely no idea how to approach mine on the matter and I'm unsure how my SO will react. I'm not interested in having sex with my friend, I'd rather take that energy home to my SO/my friend says the same, but I don't know if they would understand that.

Any advice and information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer
Jenna -

Your question really is t about BDSM - it's about your primary relationship, it's health and your communication within it.

It is perfectly ok to have interests and desires that your primary partner doesn't share. What becomes instructive is what you do about it. If your impulse is to pursue it behind your SO's back because you think you'd be met with resistance, disinterest or misunderstanding - then assessing the health and durability of your relationship is a far more important issue than whether to tie up a friend or not. Take time to consider and evaluate your relationship.

If it is important to you, you're committed to it, and you'd still like to tie up your friend (or someone), then talk with him about it. Start be assuring him of your feelings and commitment to the relationship. Tell him that you have an interest in activities that he may not share or understand - and that you'd like to explore with him the possibility of pursuing those interests in a way that he'd be comfortable with and that doesn't undermine your relationship. That last part is key. You're essentially taking him in as a partner in the decision making and giving him a veto. You can only do that if maintaining your relationship is more ortant than scratching this itch.

If he buys into the construct, then brainstorm the possibilities, a few of which are:

* he agrees you can tie him up;
* you only practice bondage at group settings where it is about riffing, not sex
* he is also present
* you only play with people of a demographic you aren't attracted to
* you leave this interest aside

The discussion should also include whether he has any interests that aren't being met that could similarly be brainstormed.

As you see, the discussion isn't about your friend - it's about you. Your interests and your relationship with him. If it really is about your friend, then you're not being honest with yourself about what is at play

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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