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Question
I am a very young dominant female currently in negotiations with an older submissive male (with whom I am absolutely in love) He doesn't live with me yet but the ultimate goal of our negotiation is to enter into a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. I have always been the dominant in my relationships and have brought out the submissive in quite a few of my partners but they've all been unexperienced and I've always been the one with the knowledge, making suggestions, and sort of leading them into it.

This time it's different. My boy is far more experienced in the lifestyle than I am. I do my research and I know how to be safe but I've never been to the sort of clubs he frequents, and I don't know a lot about some of the more in-depth and complicated aspects of the things he's interested in. Some of the porn he's shown me as examples of what he's into has catheterization, breath play, and needle play and I'm not confident I know enough to keep him safe. Also, playing with him and wondering if he's comparing me to more experienced Doms/Dommes is seriously undermining my confidence when it comes to mastering him.

He doesn't seem to notice how insecure I am because I cover it well but inside I feel like I've lost my footing and need to get back on top of the situation. Any suggestions? Please help, I love my boy and I don't want him to have to go looking for something he needs because I can't give it to him.

Answer
Hello Ashley,

I should first start by saying I personally don't believe in a 24/7 lifestyle. I think it's impossible to ask someone to be the same way for 24 hours 7 days a week. It's unrealistic and it certainly lead to a lot of disappointment and feelings of familiar.

With that said touching on some other questions of yours I think it's best to practice these things before jumping right in to them. The activities you listed such as catheterization, breath play and needle play are mostly forms of edge play. They are on the more extreme side of BDSM play and usually only the experienced practice them. I've been in the scene for 10 years and would not trust myself with two of those activities even though I've seen them practiced several times just because I know the risk involved. With things that require a certain level of medical skill involved it is imperative to practice with an experienced teacher before doing it someone else. These are things can seriously injure a person or even be fatal. Reading about needle play and doing it are not the same thing, it's the same reason doctors straight from college must observe in surgeries before diving in even though they've studied a lot about it.

If you feel like you are lacking the confidence you need to be fully in control, maybe that is a sign that you should hone your skills and practice a bit more before taking him into your care. I know that confidence can be a state of mind but if this sub is expecting you to know certain things that you just don't, then that could be a problem.

My suggestion is to find a mentor and start visiting clubs so that you can see different forms of play in action.

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Natali Noir

Expertise

I can answer questions related to Mistresses/Dommes and their relationships with subs and slaves. I can answer questions about different fetishes, give advice, explain BDSM and dungeon etiquette or just explain overall BDSM practices and protocols as I've learned. I can also help with creative ideas related to kinky scenes, role-plays, punishments, or rewards.

Experience

I've been into BDSM for about 10 years and I've a Mistress for 8 years and have had my fair share of subs and slaves. I have experience with what it's like to be on both sides of the paddle.

Organizations
I'm part of the local TNG and Black Rose, and several FemDom groups. I also frequent the BDSM clubs and parties in the surrounding areas.

Publications
www.mundanetoms.blogspot.com

Education/Credentials
I have no educational credentials in this area, only years of firsthand experience and knowledge gained through reading, workshops, and listening to ideas from other individuals I deem more experienced in certain BDSM areas.

Awards and Honors
I write my own blog.

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