BDSM/17 yrs old, confused about inexperienced dom bf
QUESTION: EDIT-- I've sent some of the other experts this exact question. This doesn't depreciate your or any other expert's answer, though. I just want to have as many perspectives as possible. --------
I'm sorry that this is so long, but I haven't talked about this with anyone and don't know what information may be relevant to you, or not. I am seeking mostly psychological explanation, for both my bf and myself, so I didn't want to leave out many details.
About four months ago I started dating a boy at my school. We have a natural chemistry, intellectual connection, and although we don't have many mutual friends, we mesh together well on-campus (we go to a college prep boarding school). He is sixteen and I am seventeen, but we are both mature for our age.
Ever since I can remember I have had fantasies about being dominated--whether it was rape or just being hit, that was what I daydreamed about. So, when my bf and I were just getting comfortable in our sexual/pre-sexual part of our relationship and he bit my lip, I experienced a euphoria I had never had before.
He then progressed to biting my arms or legs, leaving horrible bruises, but only with my encouragement. His bites awakened something in me I had only ever daydreamed about before. Instead of just having my body respond, my mind responded. I felt sexy and turned on every time he did it.
However, after about a month, the tables turned. He would still bite me, sometimes making my lips bleed, and I realized he liked it more than I did. I started finding the bruises a nuisance, and since I have told him "It's springtime and I want to wear shorts without bruises being an accessory" he has mostly stopped biting me in noticeable places, but he can't seem to help his impulses. I also am not turned on by the pain anymore. The only satisfying thing is how happy he is after I let him do it. He always becomes very affectionate after he hurts me, and to me the affection is more comforting after the pain.
This is where it gets more complicated. About two-and-a-half months into the relationship I spent the weekend at his house. His family is pretty well-off so I was placed in their guesthouse, and his family is also very bohemian, so my bf and I didn't have to sneak around or worry about closed doors. He even slept with me overnight the two days I was there. Anyways, the first night there we had sex. I wasn't a virgin, but he was, and was eager to lose it. I warned him about the possible repercussions of losing it without much thought, but like me when I was in his position at the time, after finding someone he genuinely cared about to lose it to, he figured the times after would be just as special or more
so than the first.
So we had sex the first night and we cuddled and were as gushy as could be afterward. The next day we were having a blast at his house, and were feeling butterflies in our stomach every time we looked at one another. Every second we were together. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. He was always playing with my hair or hugging me. When we went back into my room for the night, however, he had something different in mind.
Now, I knew before going to his house about his fantasies. He had told me after he'd figured out I wasn't weirded out by it and might have the same fantasies about how he liked and wanted to hurt me. He said he wanted to tie me up and fuck me. He told me about dreams he had about hurting me and seeing me cry. That
seems to be his biggest turn-on and goal to make me cry. He wants me to cry while giving him blowjobs and cry when he fucks me. He says that something about me being treated like shit and then coming back to him or still obliging him turns him on to the max.
Back to the second night at his househe convinced me to let him tie my arms back. Now, instead of being turned on I was scared shitless. This confused me and confuses me still. For someone who has fantasized about this since I was a little girl, when it came down to it I didn't want it. I rationalized this later, though, and figured that maybe it was because I didn't trust him. I know he genuinely cares for me, trusts me, adores me, but I don't and didn't know whether he had limits. He is very strong (6-foot-4 and although lean, full of muscle). I am very small and weak compared to him at a skinny 5-foot-1. I still really wonder why this fantasy of mine seems to have disappeared, however.
He tied me up and slapped my ass a few times. I actually enjoyed it, but the fear I had of what could come took away from it a little. Then, before he could do anything more extreme, there was a knock at the door and our time was cut short.
Because I can already tell I am going above and beyond in the detail, basically that weekend was beautiful beside the sexual parts. Even intercourse was extremely rough. It wasn't pleasurable at all, just painful. My bf's behavior outside of the sexual was immaculate, though, so it made suffering through the bad worth it. Suffering through his fantasies seemed worth it at the time, though, because I really, really enjoy making him happy. I also kind of enjoy how twisted he is.
After that weekend at his house he got strep throat, and we barely talked for a whole week. Then, the week after that we had Easter break, and he barely talked to me then, as well, even though he was healthy again. This confused me, since I am usually the one in relationships who needs space. I was especially confused, though, because it was such a drastic change from that weekend we had spent together when we were inseparable. He said that he becomes detached sometimes. I understand that, but he also says that he thinks he is depressed, and although when he is with me and is in a good mood he seems genuinely happy, I don't think it's selfish for me to suspect that maybe I am not everything he claims I am to
him, for I don't think he would be so unhappy these occasions if I was enough for him. I don't blame myself, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. I've noticed a pattern, though. He gets in this funk after we have a spectacular couple of weeks or few days of just bliss. He just crashes.
He's an enigma, and although I have a sneaking worry that maybe he's not at all who I think he is that maybe he sees me just as an object, or that he's a sociopath--I am pretty damn sure that he is just as confused as I am, and probably scared, too. The text messages he sends me late at night express guilt at what he wants to do and how he treats me. He says he doesn't know why he's
like this and that he is sorry for putting me through it. Plus, when he does on the rare occasion "break" me emotionally (he does this by hurting me physically---by just biting my lips and twisting my arms since we are at school---and by messing with me emotionally, talking jokingly about other girls, making me jealous), if I start tearing up and distancing myself from him, he
automatically clings to me again, putting down his tough act. What's especially interesting to me is how he reacts. First he pleads for me to look at him. He wants to see my face, tears welling up in my eyes. There's this look on his face, though, when I finally bring my face to his. He stares at me, with his eyes wide in fascination and his mouth slightly open like he has forgotten everything else besides looking at me. Then he hugs me and kisses me frantically like he has just fully realized what he has done and is petrified that I will actually get up and walk away.
He has increasingly violent fantasies, and I don't think I will ever be up for them, but I do love this guy. I can tell he really cares for me, and is finding in me for the first time someone he can confide in, but I don't know how I should read him. I don't want to realize a few months from now that I was manipulated into an abusive relationship. This is my rationality talking, because my feelings for this guy are scaring me since they are so strong.I just don't know what to do. I have come to this website because the majority would write him off immediately as the aware abuser, and me the victim. Perhaps this is true, but I want your opinion.
ANSWER: Well... I really applaud you for coming to this website and reaching out. You're clearly a "wide awake" and well-grounded lady.
My partner and I are teaching a weekend of BDSM skills workshops in Troy, Alabama next weekend, but I don't think you're old enough to attend.
BDSM relationships can be very complicated affairs and the "conventional wisdom" is to try to have some years of more normal sexual relations before you start down this path. However -- you're clearly kinky, so you're probably better off learning how to do what you do safely.
My general "take" from what you've written is that while you like intense sensations including "pain" with your sex, he seems to want even more intense experiences. I've been there. But I'm 70 and I teach this stuff. When the play with one of my partners kept ramping up the way you're describing, I sought counsel from someone with a lot more "rough" experience than I'd had and he warned me we'd end up either in the ER or causing harm to the other person. The RULES of BDSM say you can "hurt" someone with their permission, you just can't HARM them.
In terms of interpersonal relationships -- if you don't like it, if it's not enjoyable, don't do it. It's called "setting boundaries". Those of us who do this all the time use "colors" -- "red" means stop immediately; "yellow" means "don't stop, but back off so I can absorb these sensations for a bit".
So far as your super-intense feelings towards him are concerned -- this is a normal/usual part of a woman exploring BDSM play with someone. The more the person knows how to "read" your reactions, the more you'll think that he hung the moon. I write books about BDSM, and I always put in a warning that first-time BDSM experiences (even first-time with a new Top ["Top" = the person DOING the action; "bottom" = the person RECEIVING the action]) often leave the bottom/woman awe-struck because this guy clearly knows how to ring her bells and maybe that means that they were meant for one another.
Nope. It doesn't mean that. It means that his kink and your kink match pretty well and the two of you had a great time.
Also, a warning. At the level of your play (and your age) you really should hold off until your 18th birthday and then join your local BDSM club. I'd send you to www.FetLife.com, but if you're honest about your age, they won't let you register. Fetlife is the "Facebook" for us kinky folk. If you end up registering, I'm Dr_Bob on there -- send me a friend request, if you'd like.
I think the danger with this guy is twofold. First, he doesn't know what he's doing and is therefore dangerous. This knowledge/experience gap affect two aspects of his playing with you. A) He doesn't know how to manage his emotional relationship with you; B) He doesn't have the skills training to "play" with you safely. Second, he may actually be a Class III sadist. You can look it up, but Class II sexual sadism is where the sadist only acts out their sadistic fantasies with consent -- therefore not criminal. Class III and IV sexual sadism is non-consensual and is criminal.
Here is a link to start you out: http://www.forensicpsychiatry.ca/paraphilia/sadism.htm
There are lots of articles -- try Internet searches such as "sexual sadism" or "classification of sadism" etc.
Again, I applaud you writing to people who may know a bit about this. I think you have saved yourself mentally and physically. Feel free to write back if you have other questions. I'll monitor my emails over the weekend -- I usually don't do that.
PS: let me know if you want a reading list to learn about our BDSM culture
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I'm sorry I am only just now responding, especially when you were so nice to monitor your emails for me. I really appreciate that.
I didn't respond immediately because I wanted to talk to my bf first. Seriously talk. I didn't respond after that talk--which was late Saturday--because I was emotionally distraught; we broke up. To put it very, very, simply, he isn't ready for a relationship. He needs to figure himself out.
So, now I am going to just focus on learning about myself sexually, and not trying to figure him out--because as of right now, or forever, for that matter, we are not right for each other, and I can't expect to figure him out when he doesn't even know himself.
You said I was "clearly kinky". Is this why I have always just assumed I had a low sexual drive? Because I had never had a glimpse of what really turned me on before? Is this also why my other sexual experiences--although few--have been unsatisfying?
I would love to have a reading list about BDSM culture. Also, when I go home next I will make a Fetlife account.
It's interesting, actually. If you think about sex and sexual fetishes (you might want look over this glossary of fetishes -- http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdglossary.html
) you'll realize that lots of people need a little more than "just fucking" to get sexually turned on. Personally, the woman with whom I live is my first full-bore kinky partner and after four years we've found that "just fucking" with another swing couple (for example) is so boring that we really don't/won't do it any more. If we're not going to be using electrical stimulation, a pussy pump, canes, floggers, and such -- why bother? So: yes, the fact that you need more of something else does relate directly to your interest in sex. I'll tell you candidly: the fastest way to get me excited is to watch mixed topless boxing. It's all staged, but I love watching the girls getting (safely) hit.
More than send you a reading list, if you'll send me a regular email address I'll send you the book that I'm just finishing. It's a bit long -- about 100,000 words -- but it will give you a 100% understanding of the BDSM culture -- and all the "rules of engagement". If you would like, you're welcome to read it in Microsoft Word's "track changes" mode and send your comments back to me. I've had about 10 people review it that way and each time I get new eyes on the thing, it gets stronger/better. I'm probably two months from going to layout. Oh -- and there is a good reading list in one of the appendixes. Oh: the book is titled: Getting Your Kink On: Your guide to BDSM play, parties and relationships.
You'll have to fib about your age to open a Fet account. John Baku - the site owner -- simply won't let anyone one under 18. But -- there are really good "groups" on there and you can post a question on any topic and get hundreds of replies. I'm afraid that some of those replies will be negative and stupid and hurtful, but by-and-large you'll get enough good answers to make it worth the trouble. (For some reason, some people attack the people who post rather than really trying to work with that person's point of view.