BDSM/17 yrs old, confused about inexperienced dom bf
EDIT: I've sent some of the other experts this exact question. This doesn't depreciate your or any other expert's answer, though. I just want to have as many perspectives as possible. --------
I'm sorry that this is so long, but I haven't talked about this with anyone and don't know what information may be relevant to you, or not. I am seeking mostly psychological explanation, for both my bf and myself, so I didn't want to leave out many details.
About four months ago I started dating a boy at my school. We have a natural chemistry, intellectual connection, and although we don't have many mutual friends, we mesh together well on-campus (we go to a college prep boarding school). He is sixteen and I am seventeen, but we are both mature for our age.
Ever since I can remember I have had fantasies about being dominated--whether it was rape or just being hit, that was what I daydreamed about. So, when my bf and I were just getting comfortable in our sexual/pre-sexual part of our relationship and he bit my lip, I experienced a euphoria I had never had before.
He then progressed to biting my arms or legs, leaving horrible bruises, but only with my encouragement. His bites awakened something in me I had only ever daydreamed about before. Instead of just having my body respond, my mind responded. I felt sexy and turned on every time he did it.
However, after about a month, the tables turned. He would still bite me, sometimes making my lips bleed, and I realized he liked it more than I did. I started finding the bruises a nuisance, and since I have told him "It's springtime and I want to wear shorts without bruises being an accessory" he has mostly stopped biting me in noticeable places, but he can't seem to help his impulses. I also am not turned on by the pain anymore. The only satisfying thing is how happy he is after I let him do it. He always becomes very affectionate after he hurts me, and to me the affection is more comforting after the pain.
This is where it gets more complicated. About two-and-a-half months into the relationship I spent the weekend at his house. His family is pretty well-off so I was placed in their guesthouse, and his family is also very bohemian, so my bf and I didn't have to sneak around or worry about closed doors. He even slept with me overnight the two days I was there. Anyways, the first night there we had sex. I wasn't a virgin, but he was, and was eager to lose it. I warned him about the possible repercussions of losing it without much thought, but like me when I was in his position at the time, after finding someone he genuinely cared about to lose it to, he figured the times after would be just as special or more
so than the first.
So we had sex the first night and we cuddled and were as gushy as could be afterward. The next day we were having a blast at his house, and were feeling butterflies in our stomach every time we looked at one another. Every second we were together. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. He was always playing with my hair or hugging me. When we went back into my room for the night, however, he had something different in mind.
Now, I knew before going to his house about his fantasies. He had told me after he'd figured out I wasn't weirded out by it and might have the same fantasies about how he liked and wanted to hurt me. He said he wanted to tie me up and fuck me. He told me about dreams he had about hurting me and seeing me cry. That
seems to be his biggest turn-on and goal to make me cry. He wants me to cry while giving him blowjobs and cry when he fucks me. He says that something about me being treated like shit and then coming back to him or still obliging him turns him on to the max.
Back to the second night at his househe convinced me to let him tie my arms back. Now, instead of being turned on I was scared shitless. This confused me and confuses me still. For someone who has fantasized about this since I was a little girl, when it came down to it I didn't want it. I rationalized this later, though, and figured that maybe it was because I didn't trust him. I know he genuinely cares for me, trusts me, adores me, but I don't and didn't know whether he had limits. He is very strong (6-foot-4 and although lean, full of muscle). I am very small and weak compared to him at a skinny 5-foot-1. I still really wonder why this fantasy of mine seems to have disappeared, however.
He tied me up and slapped my ass a few times. I actually enjoyed it, but the fear I had of what could come took away from it a little. Then, before he could do anything more extreme, there was a knock at the door and our time was cut short.
Because I can already tell I am going above and beyond in the detail, basically that weekend was beautiful beside the sexual parts. Even intercourse was extremely rough. It wasn't pleasurable at all, just painful. My bf's behavior outside of the sexual was immaculate, though, so it made suffering through the bad worth it. Suffering through his fantasies seemed worth it at the time, though, because I really, really enjoy making him happy. I also kind of enjoy how twisted he is.
After that weekend at his house he got strep throat, and we barely talked for a whole week. Then, the week after that we had Easter break, and he barely talked to me then, as well, even though he was healthy again. This confused me, since I am usually the one in relationships who needs space. I was especially confused, though, because it was such a drastic change from that weekend we had spent together when we were inseparable. He said that he becomes detached sometimes. I understand that, but he also says that he thinks he is depressed, and although when he is with me and is in a good mood he seems genuinely happy, I don't think it's selfish for me to suspect that maybe I am not everything he claims I am to
him, for I don't think he would be so unhappy these occasions if I was enough for him. I don't blame myself, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. I've noticed a pattern, though. He gets in this funk after we have a spectacular couple of weeks or few days of just bliss. He just crashes.
He's an enigma, and although I have a sneaking worry that maybe he's not at all who I think he is that maybe he sees me just as an object, or that he's a sociopath--I am pretty damn sure that he is just as confused as I am, and probably scared, too. The text messages he sends me late at night express guilt at what he wants to do and how he treats me. He says he doesn't know why he's
like this and that he is sorry for putting me through it. Plus, when he does on the rare occasion "break" me emotionally (he does this by hurting me physically---by just biting my lips and twisting my arms since we are at school---and by messing with me emotionally, talking jokingly about other girls, making me jealous), if I start tearing up and distancing myself from him, he
automatically clings to me again, putting down his tough act. What's especially interesting to me is how he reacts. First he pleads for me to look at him. He wants to see my face, tears welling up in my eyes. There's this look on his face, though, when I finally bring my face to his. He stares at me, with his eyes wide in fascination and his mouth slightly open like he has forgotten everything else besides looking at me. Then he hugs me and kisses me frantically like he has just fully realized what he has done and is petrified that I will actually get up and walk away.
He has increasingly violent fantasies, and I don't think I will ever be up for them, but I do love this guy. I can tell he really cares for me, and is finding in me for the first time someone he can confide in, but I don't know how I should read him. I don't want to realize a few months from now that I was manipulated into an abusive relationship. This is my rationality talking, because my feelings for this guy are scaring me since they are so strong.I just don't know what to do. I have come to this website because the majority would write him off immediately as the aware abuser, and me the victim. Perhaps this is true, but I want your opinion.
It is very clear that he doesn't know what he is doing and neither do you. Your feelings cloud your judgement and you keep pursuing a relationships with a "Dom" that doesn't know how to tune the play to match what his sub wants to experience or discover. He also doesn't seem to be aware of his own potentials (good and bad).
You are both very young and and at that age a serious and happy long term relationship is unlikely to happen anyway.
Still, don't know what you want to accomplish with your question. You actually already answered it onto the last paragraph. So it's simple, walk away and start looking for an experienced Dom. This is not a game for teenage boys.