BDSM/17 yrs old, confused about inexperienced dom bf
QUESTION: I'm sorry that this is so long, but I haven't talked about this with anyone and don't know what information may be relevant to you, or not. I am seeking mostly psychological explanation, for both my bf and myself, so I didn't want to leave out many details.
About four months ago I started dating a boy at my school. We have a natural chemistry, intellectual connection, and although we don't have many mutual friends, we mesh together well on-campus (we go to a college prep boarding school). He is sixteen and I am seventeen, but we are both mature for our age.
Ever since I can remember I have had fantasies about being dominated--whether it was rape or just being hit, that was what I daydreamed about. So, when my bf and I were just getting comfortable in our sexual/pre-sexual part of our relationship and he bit my lip, I experienced a euphoria I had never had before. He then progressed to biting my arms or legs, leaving horrible bruises, but only with my encouragement. His bites awakened something in me I had only ever daydreamed about before. Instead of just having my body respond, my mind responded. I felt sexy and turned on every time he did it.
However, after about a month, the tables turned. He would still bite me, sometimes making my lips bleed, and I realized he liked it more than I did. I started finding the bruises a nuisance, and since I have told him "It's springtime and I want to wear shorts without bruises being an accessory" he has mostly stopped biting me in noticeable places, but he can't seem to help his impulses. I also am not turned on by the pain anymore. The only satisfying thing is how happy he is after I let him do it. He always becomes very affectionate after he hurts me, and to me the affection is more comforting after the pain.
This is where it gets more complicated. About two-and-a-half months into the relationship I spent the weekend at his house. His family is pretty well-off so I was placed in their guesthouse, and his family is also very bohemian, so my bf and I didn't have to sneak around or worry about closed doors. He even slept with me overnight the two days I was there. Anyways, the first night there we had sex. I wasn't a virgin, but he was, and was eager to lose it. I warned him about the possible repercussions of losing it without much thought, but like me when I was in his position at the time, after finding someone he genuinely cared about to lose it to, he figured the times after would be just as special or more so than the first.
So we had sex the first night and we cuddled and were as gushy as could be afterward. The next day we were having a blast at his house, and were feeling butterflies in our stomach every time we looked at one another. Every second we were together. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. He was always playing with my hair or hugging me. When we went back into my room for the night, however, he had something different in mind.
Now, I knew before going to his house about his fantasies. He had told me after he'd figured out I wasn't weirded out by it and might have the same fantasies about how he liked and wanted to hurt me. He said he wanted to tie me up and fuck me. He told me about dreams he had about hurting me and seeing me cry. That seems to be his biggest turn-on and goal—to make me cry. He wants me to cry while giving him blowjobs and cry when he fucks me. He says that something about me being treated like shit and then coming back to him or still obliging him turns him on to the max.
Back to the second night at his house—he convinced me to let him tie my arms back. Now, instead of being turned on I was scared shitless. This confused me and confuses me still. For someone who has fantasized about this since I was a little girl, when it came down to it I didn't want it. I rationalized this later, though, and figured that maybe it was because I didn't trust him. I know he genuinely cares for me, trusts me, adores me, but I don't and didn't know whether he had limits. He is very strong (6-foot-4 and although lean, full of muscle). I am very small and weak compared to him at a skinny 5-foot-1. I still really wonder why this fantasy of mine seems to have disappeared, however.
He tied me up and slapped my ass a few times. I actually enjoyed it, but the fear I had of what could come took away from it a little. Then, before he could do anything more extreme, there was a knock at the door and our time was cut short.
Because I can already tell I am going above and beyond in the detail, basically that weekend was beautiful beside the sexual parts. Even intercourse was extremely rough. It wasn't pleasurable at all, just painful. My bf's behavior outside of the sexual was immaculate, though, so it made suffering through the bad worth it. Suffering through his fantasies seemed worth it at the time, though, because I really, really enjoy making him happy. I also kind of enjoy how twisted he is.
After that weekend at his house he got strep throat, and we barely talked for a whole week. Then, the week after that we had Easter break, and he barely talked to me then, as well, even though he was healthy again. This confused me, since I am usually the one in relationships who needs space. I was especially confused, though, because it was such a drastic change from that weekend we had spent together—when we were inseparable. He said that he becomes detached sometimes. I understand that, but he also says that he thinks he is depressed, and although when he is with me and is in a good mood he seems genuinely happy, I don't think it's selfish for me to suspect that maybe I am not everything he claims I am to him, for I don't think he would be so unhappy these occasions if I was enough for him. I don't blame myself, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. I've noticed a pattern, though. He gets in this funk after we have a spectacular couple of weeks or few days of just bliss. He just crashes.
He's an enigma, and although I have a sneaking worry that maybe he's not at all who I think he is—that maybe he sees me just as an object, or that he's a sociopath—I am pretty damn sure that he is just as confused as I am, and probably scared, too. The text messages he sends me late at night express guilt at what he wants to do and how he treats me. He says he doesn't know why he's like this and that he is sorry for putting me through it. Plus, when he does on the rare occasion “break me” emotionally (he does this by hurting me physically—by just biting my lips and twisting my arms since we are at school—and by messing with me emotionally, talking jokingly about other girls, making me jealous), if I start tearing up and distancing myself from him, he automatically clings to me again, putting down his tough act. What's especially interesting to me is how he reacts. First he pleads for me to look at him. He wants to see my face, tears welling up in my eyes. There's this look on his face, though, when I finally bring my face to his. He stares at me, with his eyes wide in fascination and his mouth slightly open like he has forgotten everything else besides looking at me. Then he hugs me and kisses me frantically like he has just fully realized what he has done and is petrified that I will actually get up and walk away.
He has increasingly violent fantasies, and I don't think I will ever be up for them, but I do love this guy. I can tell he really cares for me, and is finding in me for the first time someone he can confide in, but I don't know how I should read him. I don't want to realize a few months from now that I was manipulated into an abusive relationship. This is my rationality talking, because my feelings for this guy are scaring me since they are so strong. I just don't know what to do. I have come to this website because the majority would write him off immediately as the aware abuser, and me the victim. Perhaps this is true, but I want your opinion.
The journey is beginning and each of you is discovering these parts of yourselves which seem to work and evolve over time. It is why your interest moved about as did his, the de-intensification on your part is brought on mostly by the fear and wonder of how far your dom will go. The surrender is almost now expected and you are not ready for it. Asto your boyfriend he is letting his fantasies grow and take hold. His passions are fueled by the flames of his cruelty; this clearly shows the sadist in him arising.
The quietness you experience afterwards is his sense of guilt, where he s trying to balance the ecstasy he feels with what we are taught about the social correctness of not "hurting girls". His reluctance to engage has nothing to do with anything else. Besides he "knows" other girls are not the same and wont accept his darker side which he needs to be fulfilled.
I expect a little patiences and measure in what you do will win over the day. Just remember our mantra, "safe, sane and consensual". So may argue as teenagers you are to young, that is a neo-puritanical idea. You are going to experiment, everyone does who is honest about it. What you need is honesty and advise not hypocritical demands of people who have some fanciful idea of how other's should live their lives.
Finally, to be honest all of us in this lifestyle are "sociopaths", we step outside the norms or what is socially acceptable and take directions/actions which do not conform to the "accepted" practices. The one thing you need to realize is there are as many of us as there are vanillas, because such labels are used for ever single diversion, perversion or thought which a social group disagrees with no matter how small that group. It is a way of making it easier to control the "us" and somehow feel they are better than the "them". Be proud of being non-conformist, because conformity leads down far darker roads than non-conformity.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: You say that all of us are "sociopaths". Does that mean when my bf withdraws from me he doesn't feel empathetic to how he's obviously hurting me in the process? He has told me he feels like shit for treating me like shit, but does he really? Ultimately, like a true sociopath, is he not capable of romantic love? When he apologizes and looks terrified that I am about to leave him and is almost on the edge of tears, is this just an act??
Also, we have never talked about him being a dominant or me being a submissive in those technical terms. If we get over this hump, I would like for him to look into it to find out more about himself and me, for personal understanding and safety/pleasure for when we engage in sexual acts again. How do I introduce this to him without him feeling uncomfortable? He feels like he's alone and severely messed-up. He would benefit from learning how big of a community there is of people like him. He shouldn't have only Patrick Bateman to look at as an example.
Lastly, could you give me some tips on how I should talk to him when he is depressed? I feel like he is going through a crucial point in his life about understanding his sexuality and philosophies. That's heavy stuff, and I don't want him to get scared and close himself up from me.
If he truly is a dominant, then remorse is the aspect which I said... the social stigma of abusing women amplified by a Puritanical (neo Judaic-Christian) upbringing.
I think you are mixing domination with sadism they are not the same thing. Sadist enjoy the administration of pain and humiliation with little or no regards for the sensation of their subjects. They become recipients mere meat,whereas dominants employ sadistic practices to fulfill the needs of their submissives (particularly masochistic ones).
If some told you sociopaths are incapable of true love they are full of shit. That is not the meaning of sociopathy, sociopaths form bonds in slightly different ways from others but their bonds are as deep and meaningful. Simply put their standards of behaviour do not conform to or fit the majority view of social norms. Funny thing 100 years ago it not only was okay but expected to beat your wives, and girlfriends to keep them in line.
I believe that empathy can be felt sometimes even relished in; it is why as a dom my favorite way to physical punish is with my bare hand. The sting in my hand allows me to share in the pain while maintaining sensation of control.
Romance is one of those things which is extremely stylized and differs from culture to culture, being hung up on those factors would make every one a social path to other cultural backgrounds.
Now tears is a bit extreme and if he is doing that then I personally feel that he may well be playing mind games with you.
I think your reference to Bateman is more scary than you think. Bateman was not a sociopath (SP)but a psychopath (PP). In that there is the distance which defines "safe, sane and consensual". First off SP's know there are consequences, understand them and accept that they exist, PP's simply can not reason that consequence SHOULD apply to them. This in and of itself denotes the SANE component and essential ensure the second SAFE. When PP's come to action there is no point at which they will stop as their enthusiasm grows, as their tastes require more and more to be satiated then the whole concept that someone else' limits have any meaning become irrelevant.This is very much like Goffery in Game of Thrones, even murdering a prostitute in his bedchamber is only to fill an appetite. Finally, SP's look to agreements and terms of reference in part to define the preceding but more so to provide a structure to a relationship, PP's have no concept that another's views or wishes are of any importance and concept of agreement is foreign to them. So if you want him to have a role model find one more in keeping with the mantra "sane, safe an consensual".
Introducing him to the concepts or talking about domination and roles is easy. Talking to him when depressed is much more difficult. But both require as it is with any conversation that you keep it simply and honest. Remember it sort like taking a proposal through a critical thinking assignment, evaluation, speculate and build the reasoning... let the conversation flow do not push it but set up a premise. If he truly is what you think then he will accept the pattern. This is fundamentally different from a debate; because in critical thinking it is never the goal to "win" but to ensure the definition of the paradigm explored is accurate and real.
The focus should be on him and not your needs, the focus should on pulling him out of his funck. That does not mean you are soft or even easy, there have been times in the past when I have had to deal with depression of others in my life. SOmetimes my comments are harsh, sometimes demanding but NEVER ever focus on what I need or what I want to achieve, but focused on defining the sensations and experiences which they are felling and drawing this out for them, defining it, placings a barrier around it and let them find ways to break in and tear the dark matter apart. A trick is to take emotions and define them in material and measurable ways, what is the colour of pain, what is shape or size of pain, what does an emotion sound like, then define the brightness, intensity or loudness of the item. FOcus on only one thin at a time. Get to a point where the person can build defined dimension to it and the close it off. now help them find ways of bleeding the volume out of it, shrinking it until the sensation is manageable. They may never be able to get rid of the sensation; but they should be able to compartmentalize it so that it can be shelved and stored in its proper place in the individual's psyche or or emotional seachest.