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Hello Miss-L,      My problem is that I am a would be submissive married to a very vanilla lady. We have been married 11 years. She was a widow I was a twice divorced man when we married.

Before we married I did explain my leaning towards D/s fetish. I am not into receiving extreme pain (mild to moderate C P is OK) I am very sexually subservient or would like to be and in many other ways.

Whereas my wife seemed fine with the idea before marriage she very soon went to a regular vanilla routine after the wedding....
I have to admit that I have since strayed into a couple of secret On-Line D/s relationships -- which I feel bad about but have found a degree of relief from.

Any suggestions or advice Miss L?

Regards - jon

Answer
Hi Jon,

I've noticed in my time being involved in kink and vanilla relationships, one thing transcends them both. When people agree to something before trying it, they are often wearing rose-colored glasses. They think they can do something or tolerate something because they so badly want the outcome to be a positive one. When in actuality when it comes time to implement said thing it doesn't work out as smoothly.

This sounds like what you're experiencing. Your soon to be wife wanted to promise you that she'd be okay with your submissive tendencies because she truly wanted to be. However in practice it seems like struggle. I'm in no way implying she lead you on. Agreeing to something before you have tried it is a psychological background investment...she wanted to believe she could do it, therefore she said it was okay.

I suggest sitting down with yourself a few questions.

1. What the worst case scenario? Is it that the relationship continues on like this?

2. If it can't change are you going to continue to engage in secret online relationships?

3. If you are, how would you feel if she were doing the same but in a non-kink related arrangement?

Figure these things out and then sit down and tell her you have needs and desires that are not being met. Try to let her know that you want her to fulfil them, tell her it's a turn on to have her in charge, etc. Make her feel like you NEED her to a part of this. If she declines you have to decide if you will be happy continuing like this. If she agrees then try starting with little submissions, easy things, cleaning up after her, opening doors, checking to see if she needs anything throughout the evening, etc. If she is okay with this then up the ante, etc.

I feel like you've had 11 years to try and change this as well, she is not completely at fault. She has taken vanilla on as routine because you have strongly stated you need otherwise. If she just can't do the D/s style of things ask her openly if she'd be okay with you pursuing online-only involvements if that's enough to satisfy you.  

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Natali Noir

Expertise

I can answer questions related to Mistresses/Dommes and their relationships with subs and slaves. I can answer questions about different fetishes, give advice, explain BDSM and dungeon etiquette or just explain overall BDSM practices and protocols as I've learned. I can also help with creative ideas related to kinky scenes, role-plays, punishments, or rewards.

Experience

I've been into BDSM for about 10 years and I've a Mistress for 8 years and have had my fair share of subs and slaves. I have experience with what it's like to be on both sides of the paddle.

Organizations
I'm part of the local TNG and Black Rose, and several FemDom groups. I also frequent the BDSM clubs and parties in the surrounding areas.

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www.mundanetoms.blogspot.com

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I have no educational credentials in this area, only years of firsthand experience and knowledge gained through reading, workshops, and listening to ideas from other individuals I deem more experienced in certain BDSM areas.

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I write my own blog.

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