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Hi Ben,

I have been in a bit of a dilemma in the past year or so where I cannot work out if I am a dominant or a submissive. I have been with my fiance' four years now and for the first three we had a Master /slave relationship (me being the Master), from which I received enormous satisfaction.

However, for reasons that remain unclear to us both, I began wanting to switch and we started experimenting with me being the sub and her the Master. I found the feeling of submission highly intoxicating and began to enjoy it more and more, finding myself initiating the switch more often, then reverting back when my submissive feelings subsided.

I have suggested to my fiance' ways of keeping me submissive to her but her relative inexperience in the lifestyle in general led to her lacking confidence in mastering me to a degree that would keep me in submission. This in turn led to our frustration and subsequent switching back to our original roles.

This has been the case for over a year now and is becoming more and more frustrating when it does happen. The frequency of our switching has varied throughout but is now happening almost weekly and the length of my submission has become lengthier.

Although I've been content within my submissive role, the constant change in my preference has been confusing me a great deal. We have both received great enjoyment within either of the roles, and she is happy for the relationship to go either way (she has left it to me to determine our role).

We have discussed our preference on many occasion and are both willing to go in either direction, but we both agree the relationship becomes much more stable and settled and I seem to show her much more affection when she takes the reins, as my sadistic tendencies occasionally result in my actions being regarded by her as abuse.

Unfortunately I lack the ability to hold my submission while she lacks the confidence to hold me there.

As we (I) have failed miserably in maintaining an un-changing role for a significant amount of time, we have agreed to try one last effort at my submission, a trial 3-month non-negotiable stint with me as sub, and any transgressions on my part she has assured me she will deal with severely. A last-gasp effort on our part to see if we fit the role. I have offered my total and irrevocable submission to her, and given her my full consent to be kept enslaved, even if by force, without any switching whatsoever. I am to be totally committed to this arrangement in order to gain some form of control over my impulsive behaviour and to clarify whether this dynamic does provide our relationship with the mutual contentment we both desire.   

We love each other dearly and wish to come up with a solution, hence my question to you. Are we going about this the wrong way? I would dearly love to be enslaved by this woman. Any suggestions on methods of training to maintain a submissive state?

Please offer an outsider's point of view on this matter, your opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Ric

Answer
Ric -

Your confusion may stem from what it is you want and what it is you mean.

Let's start with what M/s means. For most people, it is a relationship dynamic where decision making authority is consensually transferred. This hierarchical power structure is a constant (though there can be boundaries related to work, finances, family, etc). Is this what you mean??? Or are you talking about who takes the lead in the bedroom or weekend role play?

I'm not criticizing you me choice - whatever it is - I just think some clarity could help because......if she's going to be in charge - I mean really I charge, not just wielding the flogger on Saturdays - that she has to WANT it. Being a Master takes effort, desire and resolve. Her statement that she'd be fine either way doesn't suggest that.

What it suggests is she wants you to be more kind, attentive, and loving. All qualities that a Master (or Dominant or Top) can exhibit. You just have to decide if that's what you want (if she thinks what you do is abuse, that's a problem).

So, rather than doing another trial period and seeing if it produces different results, sit down and talk about what you each need and want - for yourselves and the relationship  

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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