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I have felt drawn to the submissive side of BDSM pretty much my entire life but just a few yeas ago was able to recognize my exact needs. I must be Dominated and controlled when in an intimate relationship to be happiest and in order for me to be the best person I can be. This and a total lack of experience and education pertaining to the lifestyle has found me in numerous dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships. Now that I am committed to learning all I can I am realizing my part in my failed relationships but also, what exactly it is I need from my partner. I am finally married to a man that I truly believe is right for me and with some education and exploration of His own, would make the perfect Master for me. The only problem is, He takes no interest in the lifestyle at all. Right now He would probably fall under the definition of "Domineering" more than "Dominating" but I think with a better understanding of what the lifestyle is all about and some encouragement and recognition for His natural Dominating personality He could excel as my Master and I as His submissive. Please, Sir, tell me if i am lying to myself or caught up in a fantasy. I simply cannot continue to crave all the aspects of a D/s relationship and never feel satisfied because i have no one to meet my needs. Is it possible His interest could be peaked? How does one go about enticing curiousity for kink out of another? He did make a half hearted attempt once and i relished every second. i even told Him how it made me feel but no other efforts since. i am willing to do anything and everything to have the relationship i have read others have with their Master.

         humbly at Your service,
         schiava

Answer
First kudos for recognizing who you are and what you need - and for seeing prior relationships were unhealthy and dysfunctional. That's the good news. I am in no position to answer it, but one question for you to answer is whether your marriage is a step in the right direction.

The reason I ask that question is that you describe your husband as more domineering than dominant - and that's a potential red flag. Let's explore the differences:  

1. Low self-esteem drives the domineering individual, while the dominant individual is self-confident
2. Blaming others are tools of domineering individuals; the dominant can admit fault and seek improvement
3. Barking orders is domineering; calm directions is dominant
4. Building personal success through another's failure is an act of domineering; a dominant sees a partner's success as a tribute to the success of the relationship
5. Bullying is the style of domineering; positive leadership in the style of dominance
6. Forcing surrender thru feat is domineering; inspiring surrender is dominance

And most importantly:

7. Domineering people think only of themselves and their immediate desires; a Dominant should accept the responsibility that goes with their authority and make decisions that best serve the relationship

You said he isn't interested in the lifestyle - but could (in your opinion) excel at it. Which leads to more questions for you:

What does he think you're talking about it? Do you have a clear sense of what you want and how you'd like your relationship to be structured and work? Have you given him a clear picture ("I'd like you to be on charge and make the decisions" or "I want to have rituals and protocols that reflect the power you have over me" or - not a realistic idea - "I want to be kept chained on the basement and taken out only when you need to fuck me")?

The bottom line is being a Master takes time, effort and resolve. It must be within a person. It can't be faked.

Hopefully you can do more introspection, have thoughtful discussions with your husband, and find what path works for you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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