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I have been married for 5 years now, and I'm a little lost. Psychologically I believe I am a sub. I have done tons of research and from what I have read, my thoughts/feelings have been dead on as far as what other subs have mentioned. I say this because even though that's what I think I am, and of course want to continue to be, I have somehow ended up being more dominant in my marriage. The more I have realized this, the more I am unsatisfied with it. I would very much love to have my husband take over dominance, but I have no idea how to bring it up, or whether he is even capable since he has allowed this power transfer to happen. How do I bring up that I am unhappy with him allowing me to be more dominant in our lives?

Answer
Amy -

You're not alone. There are many people that discovered their interest in Dominance and submission later in life.

When you're in an existing relationship that doesn't include an intentional and consensual power dynamic, the choices are:

1. Talk to the partner and hope they share the interest
2. Push down the feelings and disappointment and accept that the relationship is what it is
3. Leave and look for a new relationship that meets your needs

Each option includes costs and risks. A partner could freak-out about the idea or simply not share the interest (note that the desire - even if untapped - has to be there. Otherwise he's just doing for you and both will be come frustrated); leaving a relationship can raise financial and family concerns; and staying can exact a high price if you'll be miserable.

My reason for pointing all this out is so that you give it careful thought and go forward with your eyes wide open

If you do decide to broach the subject, I'd suggest keeping it simple and avoiding phrases like dominance and submission. Instead, let him know that you'd like him to take on more decision making authority. Tell him that when you're home you'd like to be able to give up that control, that it makes you feel good and cared for when he makes the decisions, and that (if true) you find it sexy. If he's willing to explore, here are some pointers:

1. Start small. Rather than just turning over the keys, negotiate what area will be his domain of decision making

2. Support his decisions. Remember - it's about authority, not about getting the answer you want. Unless his decision is dangerous, provide positive feedback and support

3. There's a difference between gathering information (your thoughts, preferences, etc) and being autocratic or wishy washy. Find the balance
4. Check in every week and see how things are going. Does he enjoy it or is it exhausting? Does he want to take on more authority? Do you have Ny concerns?

Hope things go well

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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