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BDSM/Nice guy wants to meet Wifes needs

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Question
I am what would be considered the nice guy
My wife of almost ten years has broached the subject of her desires. (BDSM sub)
We, IMHO have better than average good open communication.

In the past she has dropped hints for me to be, shall we say rougher in the bedroom, which I have either downplayed or outright ignored. Not really questioning myself why.

Now for background on us both to assist in your advice.

Her:
She was introduced to full sexual intercourse at 7 years old by a cousin of similar age. She was physically raped at 12 by a male friend of her social circle, she was used for sexual gratification by her adoptive father and paid for it from about 14 to 16 years old (no intercourse took place from her refusal). She was sexually extremely promiscuous with her entire male social circle from 13 to 15, in group and individual settings, some voluntary bondage, use of toys(that were available to teens), blindfolded.
This of coarse created a "reputation" that was negative and she had to change schools. She dated what I would consider assholes, but I did have the joy of dating her in high school grade 12 for 3 months but was kicked to the curb because she did not think that i was interested in her. (I was a virgin until 20) Her first marriage at 18 was to her Martial arts instructor more than 10 years her age. She was pregnant shortly after the wedding, and a few months later miscarried due to physical and mental abuse that began after the ring was placed on the finger. This marriage lasted less than 9 months. She then married another abusive man and had 2 children that lasted 15 years.

Myself:
I was raised by a physically and mentally abusive Father(towards my mother). I was disciplined by the belt, and in some cases my mother would step in to take the focus off me. I was first married at 27 to a woman that we had a child with, that was diagnosed clinical bipolar manic after our son was born. This marriage lasted 10 years, but ultimately failed due to her cheating and drug abuse. I retained custody of our son.

I had been single for about 5 years before reconnecting at a social gathering of common friends with my current wife, who was just in the separation stages. Nothing went further for about 7 months until she contacted me. We secretly dated each other from the children for about 7 months, but did things as friends with the children. Movies, dinners, swimming etc.

We got married 3 years later, and now have been married 5 years.
My knowledge of her past was given to me in the past few years. And her knowledge of my past the same time frame.

About 2 weeks ago , under her own anxiety and direction of a short term online Dom, brought up the talk of her needs and desires for BDSM, and lack of fulfillment in our marriage. Now she (and I) is very happy with our relationship as is, and I am very satisfied with our sexual relationship (vanilla mostly).

But after the "talk" I have been experiencing high anxiety, triggers of my childhood abuse, and a great fear but willingness to explore her needs. The more we talk about this, the more I am becoming comfortable with the idea and concept. And wow have we been having some great open discussion. I have commended her on her honesty, which was a worry for her based on my past.

So now my Question:
Where to start with my retraining of my brain to be able to meet her needs of bondage/discipline. I am eager to move forward and willing to please, but am held by my fears. We have both committed to Counselling for me to overcome my childhood abuse which is my major stumbling block.

I am so amazed how good of a person my wife truly is, how trusting for giving me her life story, and Thankful for our wonderful relationship and marriage. We truly are best friends.

Answer
I would suggest that you proceed slowly, baby steps and play some light activities at first.  You have immense baggage to overcome or more likely integrate into your experiences.  I further think given the background, switch may well be an option for you but less likely for her.  I think having someone help with the experiences and provide guidance would also be a possibility.  But remember letting someone else in may actually involve some sexual sharing; if you are not up for this then be wary of engaging directly and establish an online relationship instead.

Other than that you are doing everything that I feel is important, the most important being the open and honest dialogue between the two of you will keep the relationship focused and real.

Good luck.

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Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

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