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Hello,
I am a 42 year old women who left an abusive and deeply unsatisfying marriage three years ago. I was with my ex husband for 16 years during which time there was physical but mostly emotional abuse (by the way I am no wilting flower) Our sex life was terrible in that I am open minded and he was very repressed bad mix!) Previous to my marriage I experimented a lot and enjoyed sex. During the last three years I have been completely single and had domestic abuse counselling  Over the last year I began to explore BDSM life style and read some literature and have since met a new partner. We didn't meet through a BDSM forum but have discovered we go together brilliantly him naturally dominant and me submissive with bondage appearing into our sex life naturally. Whilst this dynamic only appears in the bed room, I have a small quiet voice which keeps suggesting I am trying to recreate my abusive marriage. My new partner is very gentle and caring, is there a relationship between being submissive and previous abuse in your experience? I like what we do and would like to explore it further as would he...

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kate:

I am no psychologist but in my past experiences I have seen connections of all kinds. Abuse is one of the most fervent and pervasive aspects of many a syndromes which seems to repeat.  There are always differences and variants but the certain aspects remain constant. First of particularly with physical abuse it is more masochistic rather than submissive tendencies which come to the forefront. So people like the pain because of the rush of adrenaline it gives them, the sense of being more alive than otherwise.  So because the pain causes and inverse of endorphins which is like a runners high, and others for the psychological sense of worthlessness that becomes manifest in the receiving of pain.  Regardless of which the effect is the same, the need for the pain to feel fulfilled.  However each of the reasons denotes different aspects of a the experiences and emotions affected.  I have found with most masos they try to repeat and get deeper into their niche situation for their own reasons. Feeling cared for, loved and nurtured at the same time however, denotes something other than the sensation of worthlessness. Those seeking the warmth genuinely feel worthy but are usually seeking a rush. I expect this is true in your case. I would suggest you talk to a psychologist about this more deeply but I will answer the underlying question unasked. "Yes you are sane.... just a kinky bitch."

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Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

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