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Hi Ben,
The last year has been quite the ride for me and I guess I just need an outside perspective. I don't have any friends in the lifestyle so I'm kind of at a loss. Here it goes: My husband and I have been together almost ten years. I am a domme and he is my pet. We try to keep it to the bedroom but it often spills over because we love the power struggle foreplay. As a man and a provider I respect him but I could never let him be in control. It's not who I am. a few years ago he started working with a guy that he became fast friends with. Working long hours at night in a confined space led to a lot of bedroom talk and before you know it his friend was talking to me too. He was/ is a Dom and he REALLY wanted the challenge of getting me to 'switch' even if it was just for him. It scared the crap out of me but after much courting I agreed and we began this poly-amorous relationship where he would dom me and my husband would watch. We've had outside partners before but this was the first repeat partner. Our relationship lasted about a year. This friend and I became quite close and I fell for him. He told me he had fallen for me too and made a lot of promises but he wanted more and I had nothing left to give. My husband was aware of the situation the entire time (I'm always honest with him). We tried to come up with a scenario where the three of us could work. We even moved over an hour away from our friends and family to be closer to him in hopes that he would eventually move in and make it permanent. Then out of the blue, right after we moved, there was someone else. He wanted to pursue things with her and end our relationship because she provided the 'more' he was looking for. I was fine with this assuming we would still remain friends and that night we had one last romp. The next morning began a month long attack from the other women. Apparently they were a lot more serious then he led on. Now I was the whore he cheated on her with. He claimed it all to be a one night drunken mistake, denying any other relationship. He shared every dirty text and picture I ever sent him as his slave. He took back every promise and every feeling he supposedly had. Basically he made me feel worthless. To make matters worse, early last year I found out I was pregnant (my husband's, not his). We wanted a family and hoped he'd be a part of it. He said he was into it and enjoyed the pregnant sex. But now hes gone and I'm alone in the middle of nowhere with the baby while my husband works six nights a week. A rough delivery and spending several weeks in the hospital with my son made it hard for me to get into sex again, but now that I am I just cant get my groove back. I've lost the confident domme I used to be. I'm a shadow of my former self and I need to get her back. This new person is depressing and I hate her. How do I take back control from someone that left without giving it back? I do I stop comparing any new experiences to this? How do I reconnect with my husband like we used to? Some people can switch, but I was clearly never meant to. Thanks for listening.

Answer
I suspect your struggle has to do more with the loss of a relationship and the way it ended than it does with the power dynamic.

My suggestion is to take time to: grieve the loss; recognize that, given the deceit and treatment you're better off with it behind you; and how fortunate you are that your husband/pet has remained loyal to you. Once through that, I suspect you'll be ready to focus on your current, primary relationship. And you're Dominant groove will return.

And the perspective you've gained will also hopefully help you in deciding whether to take on additional relationships in the future and, if so, under what terms

All the best on your journey.  

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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