hello there, i am fairly new to the lifestyle, i've always been rather dominant, up until about a year or so ago when my marriage fell apart, took a pretty big hit to the self esteem, still havent totally recovered, anyway i met my current partner through fetlife, she is a very strong willed sub, this is her first d/s relationship as a submissive, she has had previous relationships with women where she was dominant.
i am having trouble with enforcing rules and following through on alot of my obligations, alot of this i believe has to do with my above mentioned self esteem issues, and the fact that my sub is extremly strong willed, we are living together and working at a 24/7 style d/s relationship.
it seems as though my partner says she wants to be submissive, but only when she wants to be. i'm not going to lie i am floundering quite badly at the moment.and it appears that this relationship wont last much longer under these circumstances, any insight at all would be very appreciated!
Hi Grady. Slaves are, in my experience, rarely submissive. It's really hard for them to get to a head space where their will is sufficiently lined up with ours that it is less of a struggle for them.
I understand the loss self-esteem that a failed marriage can bring up. Looking back on my second failed marriage I felt like I had put my balls into storage for almost ten years. Takes a bit to get the mojo back.
Two things going on I think:(1) she is a women of strength and (2) you haven't fully mastered yourself.
Actually (1) isn't a problem but rather is an indicator she's have a problem being subordinate to you because she may sense a lack of leadership from you.
So it comes back to you (and me, and any other person who feels the calling of dominance). My girl told me "I will follow you but only if you are willing to lead."
Every Dom/Master I know and respect has problems with disciple and consistency. Where by discipline I mean in the sense of establishing rules, training to the rules, monitoring the performance to the rules making corrections when appropriate, and only giving punishment when all attempts to get performance has failed. Discipline is hard,takes effort more effort from us because most of the time we are lazy, lacking the discipline in ourselves to be mindful and consistent.
Me too :(
What to do? Talk. She is an adult has a head with a working brain. Talk and find out what she wants, needs, desires. If face to face is difficult (I know my gut turns over when I hear "We have to talk") a good way is to use a journal.
I think that it's very important when journaling to allow the journal to be a "sacared space" where open communications are honored without fear - both ways.
You might start with "What do you need?" and her response might be "I need you to be less of a jerk. Don't snap at me like you do. I don't like being treated like that." (an exchange between my slave and I some six years ago). Hard to hear, but honest. We would pass the journal back and forth until we didn't have a need. But then another issue would come up. I always was careful to respect "the scared space" of those pages. This built trust. Took time.
Talk, learn control, grow openness.
At this point you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
I'm on Fetlife.com as BrianR. Perhaps you could have your girl contact mine (MelR). I've written about my journey along this path and perhaps there is something there which you might find useful. Submissives/slave find benefit also in talking with their peers.