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Question
hello there, i am fairly new to the lifestyle, i've always been rather dominant, up until about a year or so ago when my marriage fell apart, took a pretty big hit to the self esteem, still havent totally recovered, anyway i met my current partner through fetlife, she is a very strong willed sub, this is her first d/s relationship as a submissive, she has had previous relationships with women where she was dominant.

i am having trouble with enforcing rules and following through on alot of my obligations, alot of this i believe has to do with my above mentioned self esteem issues, and the fact that my sub is extremly strong willed, we are living together and working at a 24/7 style d/s relationship.

it seems as though my partner says she wants to be submissive, but only when she wants to be. i'm not going to lie i am floundering quite badly at the moment.and it appears that this relationship wont last much longer under these circumstances, any insight at all would be very appreciated!

Answer
Hi Grady. Slaves are,  in my experience,  rarely submissive. It's really hard for them to get to a head space where their will is sufficiently lined up with ours that it is less of a struggle for them.

I understand the loss self-esteem that a failed marriage can bring up. Looking back on my second failed marriage I felt like I had put my balls into storage for almost ten years. Takes a bit to get the mojo back.

Two things going on I think:(1) she is a women of strength and (2) you haven't fully mastered yourself.

Actually (1) isn't a problem but rather is an indicator she's have a problem being subordinate to you because she may sense a lack of leadership from you.

So it comes back to you (and me, and any other person who feels the calling of dominance). My girl told me "I will follow you but only if you are willing to lead."

Every Dom/Master I know and respect has problems with disciple and consistency. Where by discipline I mean in the sense of establishing rules, training to the rules,  monitoring the performance to the rules  making corrections when appropriate,  and only giving punishment when all attempts to get performance has failed. Discipline is hard,takes effort more effort from us because most of the time we are lazy,  lacking the discipline in ourselves to be mindful and consistent.

Me too :(

What to do? Talk. She is an adult has a head with a working brain. Talk and find out what she wants, needs,  desires. If face to face is difficult (I know my gut turns over when I hear "We have to talk") a good way is to use a journal.

I think that it's very important when journaling to allow the journal to be a "sacared  space" where open communications are honored without fear - both ways.

You might start with "What do you need?" and her response might be "I need you to be less of a jerk. Don't snap at me like you do.  I don't like being treated like that." (an exchange between my slave and I some six years ago).  Hard to hear,  but honest. We would pass the journal back and forth until we didn't have a need. But then another issue would come up. I always was careful to respect "the scared space" of those pages. This built trust. Took time.

Talk, learn control, grow openness.

At this point you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I'm on Fetlife.com as BrianR.  Perhaps you could have your girl contact mine (MelR). I've written about my journey along this path and perhaps there is something there which you might find useful. Submissives/slave find benefit also in talking with their peers.  

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BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

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