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QUESTION: HI, I have a couple of questions about being a sub it is all new to me.  I completely trust my sub and know I can ask him anything and I have but these two questions I what outside advice.  I know I am not the first sub to fall in love with her dom.  I am not sure how to act upon this.  We are both married.  I fell in love with him after I had kidney surgery, he was there for me when my husband was not physically and emotionally.  From coming to my house from his work to pick me up off the floor when I feel and could not get up on my own.  When I had to go to the ER because of complications he text me the entire time since he knew I was alone and scared.  That is when I knew I love.  How do I tell him. I am scared that if I tell him I will lose him, but in another way I think he already knows because he can read me so well.  I think I have waited to long to tell him, it has been since January 2014. I have a huge wall from being verbally abused from my husband.  He has been helping me break that wall down slowly. It is very hard for me to let people know how I feel, I have been hurt by people I thought should not hurt me (mother, husband).  So I have a huge fear of being hurt again.  I love the feeling of being his sub and how he treats me.
Bev

ANSWER: Hi, Bev...

It's always dangerous to comment upon a situation such as yours because I don't know you.

Just from what you've written, I'd ask why you remain with a man that is verbally abusive and emotionally distant.  By the way, that combination is seen in men with Asperger Syndrome, so you may want to look that up.  (I have that and until I realized that I had AS, my partners would have said the same of me!)

Entering the world of BDSM is generally seen as a one-way door.  Once you make the decision to go through the door, it's hard to go back to VanillaVille.

Now: it's not at all uncommon for a married man or woman to have a Dom or sub outside the marriage -- but that will only work if everyone involved thinks its a good idea.

You didn't mention anything about your Dom's wife -- is he happy in his marriage?  Would he consider taking you as as sub while remaining married?  Would YOU go for that?

There are lots of good books and resources for you -- the most basic being fetlife.com which is our social networking site.  But -- there are LOTS of submissive support groups on there. And Fet is free. If you sign up, I'm Dr_Bob -- feel free to send me a friend request.

If you want a reading list, write to me on Fet and I'll send you some suggestions.

Obviously, I have no idea of your financial situation, but if you want to address verbal abuse and PTSD, I'd urge you to seek out a "kink-friendly" Neuro-Linguistic Master Practitioner (NLP Master Prac as they're called).  It's faster than therapy, and usually a lot more effective.

Feel free to write back.

Hope this helps,

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Bob,
Thank you for responding back to me so fast.  
To answer your questions.  I am still with my husband because I can not afford to be out on my own because of my health problems and I have been a housewife for 27 years while kids grew up.
We have talked about his wife many times she has a lot of health problems and early onset of Alzheimer.  I would not want him to leave her for me.
We started out just having sex and to be honest that is what I wanted then he told me after being with him he was a dom and he wanted me to be his sub and it grew from there to where we talk everyday and do things for each other outside of the bedroom.  
I will look into the the websites you mentioned to me.
Thank you again
Bev

Answer
Hi, Bev --

I'm glad I was able to get to it right then -- just a matter of timing. And I can reply now because Jen isn't back from work, yet.

I understand the situation.  BDSM is an emotional intensifier.  If he can afford it, it may make sense as his wife progresses into the Alzheimer's that you live with him and help take care of her.

There are all kinds of funny set-ups and accommodations that people set up.  I'm a dominant who serves a dominant in a pretty traditional Master/slave structure. Those who knew me when I had a slave just shake their heads -- but it works for me.

Depending upon your Dom's interests, you may wish to pick up my book on Protocols for the Leather slave (it's the gender-free version of Protocols for the Female slave that Amazon will no longer publish because of the cover image of a woman on one knee serving a cocktail (she is fully dressed with white gloves on).  The Amazon censors believed the cover to be demeaning to women.  Sigh.

I'm here if you need me.

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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