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I have approached my husband more than once about starting a BDSM relationship with him.  Is this possible when you are married?  He hesitates because he doesn't want to hurt me neither physically or mentally.    I however, have this strong desire to be dominated both sexually and non sexually.  I enjoy being told what to do and actually feel better when I am released of making decisions.  He thinks I should speak up more ( I am woman hear me roar) but what I really want is to obey.  I like to be cared for and spoiled and in return want to do the same for him and please him as I feel I should.   It's hard for me to explain the reasons why I want this because I'm not sure I understand them.   But either way he doesn't take me seriously which makes me feel like something is wrong with me for wanting this.   He seems uncomfortable when I try and talk about it with him.   We have been married for 23 years and have tried many things sexually but I feel that something is missing.   He is currently deployed which actually makes conversing about this a bit easier.  However we always end up with him saying why would you want someone to do this to you.

Answer
Very sorry for the delay in replying, I seem to have missed the initial email that I had a question pending.

Wow...

Okay...

Well, first, here are my qualifications even to answer your question.  I'm 70.  I discovered the world of BDSM/kink when I was 56.  My first marriage lasted 17 years, my second lasted 14 years.  That's when we found BDSM and -- beyond that -- the world of Masters and slaves.  Renee couldn't follow me and we eventually divorced.  I had a slave for 8 years, but for a variety of reasons it didn't work out.  After three years living with a dominant woman, she accepted me as her slave and we've lived this way for a year.  She's 50.

I write books.  Mostly about Master/slave topics.  We lecture internationally.  

First, my sense of it is that it's pretty tough to change from a Vanilla marriage to the kind of Dominant/submissive or Master/slave structure that you're seeking.  Possible, if both parties are willing to explore together, but if your husband thinks you're from another planet, that's not a great start.

While I could start you out by suggesting that he read "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" or "When Someone you Love is Kinky" or "The Loving Dominant", the fact is that those who don't get it don't get it.

And you're right, something is missing.  Vanilla sex is... bland.  Once you find a skilled Top (person doing the action) who can give you intense sensations that may or may not include intercourse, it's likely that you'll be so moved that you'll have trouble going back to vanilla sex again.  When I write, I write about the one-way door.  Once you've had these experiences, you're unlikely to go back.

I had a very, very good and long-term friend some years ago.  He had been career law enforcement.  He was a "spanko".  His sexuality was all tied up in spanking or being spanked.  His wife thought spanking was a perversion.  He met a woman on one of our consulting trips with whom he started an affair.  She loved his form of kink.  They were in love.  He was probably 50 at the time.  Married since he was 19.  Three kids, one of whom was a female minister.

I was on the phone with him when Judy called from his second home that she was there waiting for him.  Uninvited.  He had to make a decision: go to her or send her away.  He sent her away.

I'm not sure I'd do that.  The tradeoff is harsh: forgo good and fulfilling sex for the remainder of your life or honor your marital duty.  As I said, he was a career officer, starting with being an Army MP.

So what can I say to you?  This is your bridge.  I'll say that he's not ever likely to understand your motivations.  I work for a woman whom I've known for 30+ years -- through my two wives and slave, she's known them all. She absolutely forbids me to discuss BDSM or my Master/slave relationship.  Funny thing: her personality is virtually identical to that of my Master, Jen.

So I'm going to leave you with this, right now.  If you want to recontact me, I'll be delighted to share more.  I'll even put you in touch with Jen, to give you the female perspective, for Jen crossed over from the Land of Vanillas and left her husband for many of your reasons.

This is not a private reply -- you made it a public reply.  If you want to pick this up, send me a private question and I'll share my email address with you.  I can also give you some suggestions about what you might want to read and do if you decide to go out on your own.

Scary thought, I realize that.

I wish you the very best, though...

Bob

Oh -- I'm a slave because I share your preference for the liberty I get by letting Jen plan our future.  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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